Inner Critic

 

A couple of years ago I was contacted by someone I went to school with, although we weren't 'friends' as such, at the time.  They were on a mission to connect with as many people they went to school with as they could.  I remembered them, was surprised to discover they remembered me.  Curious as to the path their life had taken I agreed to have coffee and we had a pleasant visit.

As part of our conversation that day, they commented that during high school I was perceived as being, well, 'together' I suppose you could say.  I can't remember the exact word used, but I remember bursting out laughing at the thought that I had myself 'together'.  

What I had was really good masking.  Because what I had was a constant chorus of negativity that ran on feedback loop.

Recently I wrote about the struggle with my Inner Critic and a friend who didn't know me in high school but has known me for 40+ years commented that she had no idea how much I struggled with my Inner Critic.

Guess I'm still good at masking?

The entire time I wrote Magic, wrote TIW, wrote Stories, now whatever #4 will be if it ever sees light of day, my Inner Critic has been haranguing me.  I have worked hard to NOT let my Inner Critic affect what I want to do all of my life, but IC is not gone, just stuffed into a closet.  When I set off on a Big Project IC will make an appearance - "Peek-a-boo!"  

While I wrestle with the logistics of doing the current Big Project, I also have to shove IC back into the closet.  

I have rarely discussed this struggle, and writing about it for the new Big Project was...a whole lot of emotional upheaval.

My mother constantly warned me against showing my 'dirty laundry' in public.  But one of the things that has made me, me, is that I didn't always listen to my mother and I have, over the years, been quite open and honest about some of what my mother would call 'dirty laundry'.

Especially since beginning this blog.  Because what I have learned is that ALL of us has some sort of struggle, some sort of challenge to our thriving, and letting people know that you do, too, lets them know that they are NOT alone.  It is part of being human.

So, Stories is launched, despite IC, and now I wait.  Some people have purchased it and I wait and see what they think.  Is it helpful?  Useful?  

While I waited for the feedback, I started another writing project, so I am on tenterhooks, not just for one Big Project, but pushing forward on another, with zero guarantee that one will be well received.  As IC keeps reminding me.

The past 10 days IC has come roaring out of the closet and refuses to stay in there.  I am beset with a constant prickle of negativity.

So, I do what I have always done.  I keep going.  I keep pressing onwards.  What I have done in the past, and pressing on into the future seems...right.  Necessary.  Maybe only for one person.

But (circling back to yesterday's post) if it helps that one person, then I will be doing the right thing.

Inner Critic be damned.