Overwhelmed

 

I am not the only person feeling overwhelmed.  I think everyone I know is struggling with a too full basket of woes, worries, concerns.  I don't know if the pandemic is the only reason for this feeling; I suspect it is just a symptom of the larger events that have been building over the years and now coming to a head.  Uncertainty is everywhere and when there is uncertainty, people feel unsettled.

When I look back at my life and the constant 'tunnel' (or series of tunnels) I have navigated, I have to be honest and admit that most of the stress and feeling of being overwhelmed is my 'fault'.

If I had chosen to work at a job where I held little responsibility other than to punch the keys transcribing files, or where I could walk in, punch the time clock, do the task I was being paid to do, then go home, there would have been fewer challenges, less stress (maybe) and when I went home at the end of the day I could have sat and vegged in front of the tv and knitted instead of trying to cram one more thing into my day.  My work hours would have been 8-4 or 9-5 or whatever instead of 14 or 15 hours, only ending at midnight, some days.  Too many days.

When you are self-employed, especially in a 'job' that focuses on creativity, where you set your own deadlines, craft your own goals, the responsibility is all on *your* shoulders, and you don't get 'vacation' days, you get business travel trips.  

When it is the product *you* make to sell, be it a workshop, a book, a textile, until it is finally sold and shipped, your job is not actually 'done'.  When it is the sales of your product that contributes to your family income, you can't just sit back and not worry about getting the item made, you have to get it sold.  Because the bills don't stop.  

Even when you are tired, exhausted, wrung out from the stress of doing it *all*, you can't stop.  

Or, at least you don't think you can.

Now that I have less energy than before, I still remember how I used to be.  How I could call up from my reserve of adrenaline to push through one more deadline, weave one more yard, placemat.  When something wasn't selling I would have to come up with a new design, get it made in quantity and get ready for another season of craft fairs.

I felt...responsible...because there were bills to be paid and people counting on me to show up and teach and be coherent.

As a friend put it, when you are also dealing with a crumbling body, the energy runs out far sooner than you are used to, and then you feel unable to get things done.  Things you actually want to do, never mind the things you *need* to do.  

At this age, there are no more reserves of adrenaline, and afternoon naps have become a necessity.

Which essentially confirms the 'old' part of my age, I guess.

There is a meme going around that says something to the effect that if you ignore your body and don't let it rest/heal at a time that is convenient for you, your body will choose a time to rest/heal - and that the time it chooses will most likely be quite INconvenient for you.

Intellectually I know this, but still I offer to do things (because I know how and I can), and I keep coming up with more new Big Projects, and I keep weaving (because I need to for my physical and mental health) but my body isn't co-operating much.

And so I feel overwhelmed because I can't do what I want to do, and I look at the things I've offered to do because I can do them, and...I donwanna.  And then I feel guilty because I keep ignoring those things and the deadlines to have them done creep ever closer as the days roll by.

So, this week, I have been trying to clear some of the 'need to' things off my desk.  I have made some progress, and I hope to finish the guild loom aprons in the next few days so that Doug can install them next week.  That job has become a huge boulder in my way and the best thing I can do is...get it done.  I did serge the cloth and as soon as I get a couple of studio jobs done, today hopefully, then it will be time to get the aprons done.  Again, a big job because I'm not doing just one apron, but aprons for several looms, replacing all the aprons on each.  Because they are all 'old' and the cloth is disintegrating and can't be patched anymore.  Replacement is required.

And then?  Re-tooling the drafts for the October workshop and getting them ready in case we actually get registrations.  Until I have the drafts ready I don't feel I can promote the workshop.  And round and round and round we go again.

Work on book #4 is now in the hands of others and until they do their job I'm ignoring the files.  I still have Stories to market, so I'm trying to focus on doing that, in my 'spare' time.  While other things I should be doing are being ignored because I run out of spoons.  I try to weave every day because it's therapeutic and I feel 'better' if I get to the loom and weave, so that seems like it needs to be a priority.  And I need to weave while I still can because I still have way too much yarn.

This is not to whine, although it is a 'vent'.  It is a reminder to myself that when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed I need to remember:  I chose this.  This IS the life I chose in 1975.  These decisions have all been mine.  So if there is anyone to 'blame' about all the stress I have had in my life, it is me.  I'm to 'blame'.

OTOH, doing the 8-4 or 9-5 job was stifling me.  Killing me softly, as the song goes.  So while I don't like the feeling of being overwhelmed, I cannot ever for one minute forget all the things I have done simply BECAUSE I chose to be a professional weaver.  And all of the things that I find stressful have resulted in my going places I had no right to expect to go, done things I had no right to expect I could achieve, met people I hold dear who would have remained strangers to me.

Once again, I remind myself to hold myself in an attitude of gratitude.  While I give myself permission to nap in the afternoon.  To rest when I'm tired.  To take the time when it is convenient to me, not wait until my body chooses a time that will inevitably be extremely *inconvenient* because it has reached its limit.

So today I choose to do what I can.  Top of the list?  Sley the warp I threaded and tie it onto the apron.  Finish pressing the towels I wet finished the other day.  Clear off the sewing table (if I have any spoons left after doing the previous things.)

Focus on what I need to clear out of my life, do it, then move onto the next.  And (note to self) maybe hold off coming up with any more Big Projects for a few weeks????