Being Heard

 

One of the reasons I started this blog was that I hadn't died in 2008.  It was, in part, a celebration of the fact that I was still here, still weaving.  But it was a struggle between this body and me, and since I 'process' much of what I am going through by writing about it, I shared what was happening here.

Now, my mother was a very 'proper' lady.  In her world you never, ever, talked about your troubles.  You just combed your hair, put your lipstick on, and you went out into the world with a smile on your face.

I was a different person, and took a different approach.

She would hate how much I've shared on here about my struggles.  If you are struggling, in her world view, you pulled yourself up by the bootstraps and never, ever, admitted to 'weakness'.  

But I learned early that everyone has struggles.  Some may be more immediate or difficult than someone else's, but we all have them.

And sometimes you just need to be 'heard' as you fight your way through the hills and valleys, the rough patches in the road, the challenging climb up the mountain sides.

I learned that we all get tired, that we need to rest - at times - and that sometimes you just need to ask a friend for support.  Mostly, by sharing what I was dealing with (rarely the full extent, just the broad outlines), it let people that were in similar difficulties know that they were not alone.

Usually I wait until I have solved a problem that I will share what was going on, in part to let people know that yes, while Life can be Difficult, you can usually find a way through.

By speaking out I feel that others, who might be similarly dealing with rocky roads, will see that I have also trodden those rocky roads, and I'm still here, still surviving.  And maybe, they think that they can, too.

So I share.  I don't expect solutions, but sometimes someone will say something that sparks a new thought, a new direction for me.  And sometimes it helps.  Generally, though, I've already tried nearly everything that I can think of, but sometimes someone suggests something new.

With that thought of learning more about how bodies 'work' (or don't), I have registered for a pain management class.  Every Thursday morning from 10-12 I will attend (remotely, thankfully) and see what I can learn.

I have tried for years to figure out what is going on with this body so I have some broad knowledge, but I'm not an 'expert' - not by any means.

This coming week I will be trying a 'new' drug - a 'hail Mary' attempt to find something that will help reduce my pain without causing other problems because of 'adverse effects'.  If it doesn't work I will likely return to the one I'm currently taking, but I will need to take other drugs to reduce the adverse effects it brings.  So, I am really hoping hard that this new drug will work for me.  As one health professional said, when it works it works well, but it doesn't always work for everyone - and you won't know until you try.

So, I am going to try.

And I will continue to share via this blog.  I don't expect everyone to be interested, but some are.  And sometimes people will contact me to share what they are going through.  I am happy to listen, and commiserate at how challenging Life can be, at times.  And I will send them positive/healing thoughts.  As I have been listened to, I will listen to others.  

This liminal time between casting my vote and finding out the results is stressful.  One political party offers support to Canadian citizens, while the other...well they only want to support people like themselves, and if you need help - like me - you should just go away.

To get through the next few days, I will proceed as 'usual' - weaving.  Starting the next article for WEFT.  Because the world will not be destroyed in an instant, but slowly.  One 'right' at a time, for one 'group' after another.

Unless.  Unless we stand up to be counted.  And in our society, we are counted by our votes.  So if you haven't yet - plan on voting.  Plan on long lines - with record setting numbers voting on day one of advance polling.  Bring a folding chair and a bottle of water and maybe a book to while away the time.  But this is *your* time to be heard.  Vote.  Bring a friend.  (We brought our neighbour who can't drive right now.)

Democracy is a participation effort.  Make sure your voice is heard.

Fallow

 

The word 'fallow' is not one that 'we' use much these days.  But it is something that human beings ignore when they should be paying attention.

When a field is 'fallow', it is not a 'waste'.  A field is left 'fallow' in order to allow it to 'rest'.  Sometimes the farmer will plant a crop that will regenerate the nutrients in the field, sometimes it is helped by the addition of fertilizers - be that from compost or bags of chemicals.

It is a recognition that the land is getting 'tired' and needs some time to recover before it can properly feed whatever crop the farmer wants to plant there 'next'.

Human beings seem to be more focused on 'doing' - instead of 'being'.  We forget at our peril that our bodies need rest.  And that allowing some time to be 'fallow' is not a 'waste' but necessary.  

There are times when I'm designing something and I will set it aside for a bit.  Then, when I return to working on it, I can see it more 'clearly'.  Sometimes I toss out what I've done, sometimes I will make small changes, correct errors.  Like with this draft.  When I split the motifs between the front and back 8 shafts, I made a progression error.  When I returned to the draft with clearer eyes, I spotted that error and fixed it.

When I write, I leave the text alone for a while before trying to edit it.  While the text is left to 'rest', my brain keeps nibbling away at it.   Then when I return to take up the editing role, my brain has had a chance to think through what information I want to convey, and consider my word choices.  Does this word or phrase make sense, or only to me?  If I want to help educate others, I need to get to where they are in order to lead them further along the path of knowledge.  Especially a craft as complex as weaving.  (Well, all of the crafts are, I just happen to know more about weaving than anything else...)

Saying that weaving is 'complex' doesn't mean that people can't weave, can't make good cloth, can't choose good projects and their own colours even while new to the craft. 

But I feel that people who know more about the complexity of the cloth/craft should try to share 'good' knowledge.  Knowledge that will help others to understand some of the complexity involved in creating cloth, so that they can make good decisions and come closer to what they want to make.  

I would say - and do it without mistakes - but I would be giving assurances I cannot, given the number of mistakes I *still* make.  The previous warp had 3 threading errors.  I *hope* this one does not.  I took a quick look at it last night and it *looks* good on the loom.  So far.

Yesterday I, Doug and our neighbour, went to vote.  We chose to vote during 'advance' polling and were confronted with a line up - something unheard of!  We didn't wait long, but I heard throughout the day that line ups continued, not just here, but in multiple locations across the country.

Now I need to leave the election 'behind' because I have done my duty and the next few days need to continue until all Canadians have had an opportunity to vote.  And for those votes to be counted.

Yesterday I finished setting up the above warp and wove about 10".  I wanted to get it weaving so I could do a cursory look for threading errors.  Finding none (that I can see) I am now ready to finish weaving the last of the linen, then tackle one of the (huge) cones of 20/2 white cotton (unmercerized).  The warp is 2/20 merc. cotton, so the contrast of the shiny merc. and matt unmerc. yarn should be a nice subtle effect that will show off the complex patterning without looking too 'op art'.

Yesterday I also emailed the text for the next article for WEFT - forgetting it was a holiday weekend.  But hitting 'send' means I have put a period on that project.  I can now clear away the clutter generated in the production of that article.  And I can move on.  That project is now in other hands, and my brain can go 'fallow' for a few days while I weave this warp - and think about what I want to write.  

Next week I should also get the new medication.  Time for me to just 'be' for a while and wait to see a) who has won the right to govern Canada, b) if the 'hail Mary' drug will work for me.

In the meantime I *can* still weave, so I will.

Civic Duty (yes, politics)

 I Voted.

When I was in high school, I benefited from having young and enthusiastic teachers.  Social Studies class became particularly interesting because they covered 'current events' and - at the time - Canada was going through some tempestuous times.  We learned about the history of my own country as the basis of understanding what was happening.  It was illuminating.

If you have never heard of the FLQ, especially if you are a Canadian, time you learned.

My teachers were thorough, covering the rights of different regions in Canada, but they were also aware of the history of The Indian Act, and how shabbily colonial populations had treated the First Nations - something I didn't know very much about, but I am grateful I learned about that part of our history. 

Now, some people might criticize my teachers for teaching our history, including the things that were done that weren't very 'Christian' or even very 'humane', but I have always appreciated them teaching such a broad class in such a way as to give us the facts - and then let the students make up their minds about those facts.

For me, it was 'easy'.  I had read books, not just fiction, but non-fiction, in part because I found things interesting.  Understanding, even at a rudimentary level, how things worked?  Seemed like something I should know.

Understanding how things happened in the past, helped understand what was happening then and there.  

I will never forget the day we were discussing the FLQ and the rights of Quebecois, and one student stuck his hand up and said that if the French didn't like living in Canada they should go back to France.  I put my hand up and said that given how the French had been 'here' before the British, why should they go back?

And then my teacher, one of my favourite (there have been many but I will never forget Mr. Gordon) said, I wonder how the 'Indians' (the term First Nations wasn't commonly in use in 1966) feel about sending us *all* back to Europe?

It was like a gigantic bucket of cold water thrown over me and I sat back and chewed on that thought for a while.

Now, Mr. Gordon did NOT 'turn' me into a 'liberal'.  The tendency was there all along.  I was a Sunday School attendee, then did a bible study course so that I could become a full fledged member of the church (so yes, I've been baptized twice as some 'born again' person insisted all 'true' Christians were supposed to be), and took the teachings of Jesus to heart.  

I also learned about the Crusades, the Holy Roman Empire, the Christian excuse for conquering the 'new world', etc.

My tendency to be 'liberal' continued long after I graduated high school, and my exploration of my world outside of my reality bubble continues to this day.

We are in a perilous time.  I don't know how this election will turn out.  I *hope* the alt right gets beaten back from the gates, but I doubt we can get them out of our world entirely.

In the meantime, I still have the right to vote, so I exercised that right today.  It's been referred to as our 'right to bitch' card.  But elections are not decided by just one riding (ours is historically right wing, ever more right as the months have gone by), but hopefully the majority of Canadians will get out over the next few days and vote and keep this country more 'liberal' than 'fascist'.

As I stood in line (almost unheard of in this riding! - I expect the numbers to be surprising) and thought about my father and father-in-law and other family friends who served in WWII.  The least I can do is get out and cast my vote...

3D and Weaving

 

Yesterday I finished pressing the towels from the warp I wet finished over the past few days.  

As I pressed, I got to see the cloth from different angles from what I usually view cloth from, and I was reminded - yet again - that cloth can have a 3D effect, especially when weaving an 'unbalanced' cloth - as in weaving more weft on one side with more warp on the other.

The whole subject of 'balance' is difficult for some people to understand, in part because we can refer to a cloth as being 'balanced' or 'unbalanced' for different things.

For example, plain weave.  If we say 'balanced' it *usually* refers to the same number of warp and weft so that neither the warp or the weft takes over from the other.  But you *can* use a plain weave and weave it 'unbalanced', such as for tapestry, where the weft (usually - there's that word again) is all that is seen, or warp faced, where the weft is pretty much invisible, hidden by the warps.

This draft was designed over 8 shafts, but since I would not have enough heddles on 8, I split the threading and used the first 8 for a repeat, then the back 8 for a repeat, etc.

Apparently that was a little bit too much for my brain to process because I made not one, not two, but three threading errors, in spite of working slowly and carefully.  So this entire warp is 'seconds'.  I have not decided if I will sell them as such, or just give them away.

Yesterday I gave my doctor a pair of tea towels (I mean, everyone can use a tea towel, right???)  He said I didn't have to do that, but I know how hard everyone in health care is working right now (especially), and I want to express my gratitude to them and the best way I can do that, I feel, is to give them some of my weaving.  Because my health care 'team' is literally keeping me going right now.

It's too soon to tell how effective the injections in my back are going to work, and my pharmacist and family doctor are working together to get me the 'hail Mary' drug, hopefully by the end of this week, or maybe next.  They were still working out the details yesterday.

At this point I no longer hope for pain 'free', but pain 'less' would be good.  And being able to sleep would be great, too. 

Schrodinger Day

 

This week has several 'Schrodinger" days in it.  Right now I am waiting until it is time to head to the hospital and get the injection in my back.  And then - hopefully - tomorrow I might hear about the new drug I have asked to try - even though it is off even the 'off' list of options.  Last year I changed pharmacies, and I'm so glad I did.  It's a smaller owner/operator business and so far I have received excellent 'customer service'.  

The new drug is a 'hail Mary' option and I've been warned that it doesn't help everyone (well NONE of them helped thus far without adverse effects that are just not tenable) and I feel like I have to at least *try* and see if it will help me.

Yesterday I spent what energy I had on pressing (half of the towels ready to be pressed) and then threading.  The threading draft is quite a complex one, made more so because I didn't want to shift heddles on shafts so I split the threading between the front 8 and the back 8 shafts.

After I get the injection everyone tells me I'm to take several days of 'light duty' so I have the rest of the pressing to do, and then the final polish/edit for the current article.  If I can see my way to getting that into the mail today, I can cross that one off the list.

I'm of two minds about that article, but ultimately it will be the editor who will decide if it is appropriate for the magazine.  However, if it is not, I still have time to re-write it.  One of the advantages of not waiting until the last possible second to finish a project!

In the meantime, I have sort of put the next article aside until I can clear my desk off and focus on it.  In the meantime this warp is another option (the previous warp was intended for the article, but I'm not entirely sure if I'll use it).

Yesterday I booked the guild room to do a weavers get together on May 25 at 1 pm.  Hopefully I should have my hard copy of WEFT magazine by then, and I'll bring the two boxes of samples I did for those so that people can see them up close and personal.  :)

But for this morning, I'm trying to distract myself until it is time to leave the hospital in about an hour.  I won't thread because I'm focused on getting the shot and will be too distracted to follow the draft.  It is just better if I sit in this liminal space, waiting to see if the jab will, or will not, work.

Schrodinger.  It is, or is not - until you find out.

Expectations

 

The warp is beamed, ready to thread.  But I'm having a lot of pain so I don't think I'll be managing to begin threading today.  My next back injection is Tuesday, then 3 days of 'light duties' and then I'll see how I'm feeling.  I may try threading a bit as part of those 'light duties' but I've lined up a few other things that also need to be done and are truly 'light' when it comes to the 'duty' so we'll see how it goes.

I'm really scraping hard on the bottom of my cotton stash so I beamed a warp of 2/20 merc. cotton (left over from a couple other things) and will begin by weaving off the last of the Lithuanian linen.  This will make a really lovely quality of cloth (I've 'sampled' it - it's nice tea towel cloth)  There truly is almost nothing left of the linen, but then I've got a gigantic cone of unmerc. 20/2 cotton to use up.  I've enjoyed weaving with the linen and the quality of cloth that results, but I think I need to focus on other things for a while.  Since sales are pretty much non-existent right now, I don't really want to spend the money to buy more if all they are going to do is sit in my ko-fi shop.  :(

The new threading draft is a variation on a Swedish Snowflake motif.  What can I say?  My brain has not been functioning due to sleep disruption due to the pain medication, but I should also get a new drug next week so I'm anxious to try it and see if it is any better than the rest.  In the meantime I'm trying to not...challenge...myself too much.  But I also feel the need to weave, just for the physical activity (and the dopamine top up.)

I was moaning to a friend the other day about what I should do - maybe make my 'standard' warp length shorter.  But she pointed out all that meant was that I would get less weaving time per loom dressing time, meaning I would be doing even *more* loom dressing and less weaving.  :(  She's right, of course!

And the tariffs are...paused...again.  For 90 days if you can believe what he says.  Do I do a pop up 'sale' while it is still possible to get things into the US without a tariff???  Dunno.  

Spring has about sprung here, but so far as I can tell we are still teetering on 'drought' conditions.  The bush is far too dry, the snow pack too small.  I hope that we are spared wildfires this year, although there is no reason that we might be, given climate change and...drought.

Given the state of North American politics, I suppose we can write off any expectation of help from US wildfire fighters, but hopefully our other allies will be able to.  Be interesting to see if the US expects Canada to send wildfire fighters to help them, like we did early this year, sending water bombers to help California...  Since I doubt the administration would appreciate the assistance, I'm not sure we should.  Or could, depending on what is happening here.

Every year it becomes more and more obvious that climate change is NOT a myth but very real.  And that it has arrived.  And that it will get worse if we don't DO something about it.  Our election on April 28 will be a watershed moment for our country.  I hope that Canadians meet the challenge and vote for those who are willing to try to *fix* things instead of letting everything burn to the ground.  In some cases, quite literally...(looking at you Jasper)...

However, Life Goes On, as they say, so I have contacted my local guild and suggested a weavers gathering on May 25.  I hope I have my copy of WEFT by then, and I will bring my samples for the two articles in that issue.  I have also suggested that if weavers are interested, we could do something similar after each issue comes out.  I'm also feeling like I would like to be more 'present' at the guild (IF I can get the pain under control and IF I can walk up the stairs to the guild room.)

So many changes, many of them not welcome.  But such is Life.  We have to try to figure out work arounds.  It's time to put the soup pot on.  Better get that done, too.  At least it means I won't have to 'cook' the next couple of days as my biggest pot makes enough for 3 days.  I'm glad Doug isn't picky and doesn't mind 'leftovers'...they are pretty much my favourite item on the menu, chez Laura's...

Production Line

 

I bit the proverbial bullet today and started working on the samples - again.

What you see in the photo are just *some* of the samples I wove - there is a bin on the back of the loom with more in it - because there just wasn't enough room on my work table to hold the rest.

My work table is a table of all 'work'.  This is where I cut/serge my things before wet finishing, then press it.  Between the serger and the press, plus some work 'clutter', there isn't really much room to do very much.  But I can sit while I work at something like this, and I have good task lighting, plus my other odds and sods.

I had done some prep work before I wet finished the samples - I needed to be able to match them up to their 'before with after', but it was still complex, and frankly, when working with fairly fine yarn (2/20 merc. cotton) to fairly thick (4/8 cotton) plus some other yarns I wanted to test, it was getting really hard to tell them apart.

If I was having problems identifying them, anyone else down the work chain would probably have an even harder time.  So, to make it easier for others (who may or may not be familiar with the yarns I used) I decided I'd better document them very carefully.

Since I haven't been feeling...great...it was a level of 'detail' work I really wasn't in the mood to do - but needs must.  I have made a promise to myself that before beginning another article I will finish the one I'm working on.  My brain only processes so much before it becomes overwhelmed and I can't function - at all.

I cut it close on this article because I have already begun working on the 'next' article.  The loom is about to become 'nekkid' because I cut the warp off yesterday, cut/serged yesterday afternoon, then inspected/repaired this morning.  Those towels are ready to go into the washer, but now I want to beam the next warp.  Because that task takes up *all* the space behind the loom.  And since I need to sit on that stool at the work table to press - and there is just no room for me to do that while the loom is set up to be beamed - it's just easier if I get that done and out of my way first.  So that's the job for tomorrow.

Otherwise I spent several hours going through the samples, making sure I had them identified properly, write out 'string' tags to affix to the samples for easy identifying, and then double (or more) checking them as I attached them, suddenly the afternoon is pretty much gone.

I'm not sure if I have the spoons to finish putting away the samples and begin setting up for beaming.  At this point I suspect it must be 'tea' time.

And a pat on my back for getting that part (that I had been *dreading*) done.  Now to do one more pass through the text, correct the list of the samples (I made a couple boo-boos) and then collecting everything to go into a box for when it is time to mail it all to the magazine.

Will I learn anything about *not* procrastinating about a task that I don't want to do?

Doubtful...