Confidence

one of the samples woven for Magic in the Water

One of the reasons for choosing weaving as a career was that I could see that it would be a life of learning.  That I would never dig to the bottom of the knowledge.  That there would always be something new to learn.  Something new to discover.

For years, decades even, I felt very much Not An Expert - because there was so much I didn't know.  So much left to learn.

The first time someone on the internet referred to me as an expert I literally cringed.  I wanted to duck and protest that no, no, not me, I didn't know enough to be considered an 'expert'!!!

It took a long time for me to confront my impostor syndrome and get comfortable with the fact that I do actually know quite a bit.  Not everything.  Not nearly everything.  But quite a lot.

As I contemplate 'retirement' I begin to consider how to build on what I already know.  A friend asked me if I would be doing on line classes and immediately impostor syndrome roared to the front as I protested that others were already doing that, was there really room for another, and I didn't have the skills to produce such a thing anyway!

After thinking that reaction over for 24 hours (I try to let myself consider major thoughts over time while my brain processes the various aspects of a 'large' project such as on-line teaching), I find myself rejecting doing anything like that.

I have done enough video production to know just how difficult it is to do well.  I'm wanting to dial back my efforts, not leap into the deep end of another pool.

I also have body issues.  I'm old.  I've been rode hard, put away wet, and I weigh a lot more than I'm comfortable with.  And cameras visually 'add' pounds making people with extra mass look even bigger.  There is a reason I dislike having photos taken...

But I also find myself experiencing - just recently, as in the last couple of years - a level of confidence in what I know and how well I can convey it.  Which is kind of a new and interesting thing to be feeling.

As I wend my way through the final throes of getting the conference together, there are thoughts percolating in the back of my mind.  Such as...you've written two books, several monographs, do you want to do more of that?  What else can you say?  Didn't you pretty much say it all, already?

What aspect of weaving do you want to explore?  There are so many and several people are doing great work digging into them.   Can I build on what I have done before?  Such as shrinkage differential?  Pick a weave structure and pull it apart?  Do I want to write for magazines?  Which ones?  Who are their readers and what might they be interested in?

When Birthe and I were interviewed last week, the reporter asked if either of us blogged.  I said I did.  He asked about page views and then said I needed to write a book, then.

Hmm.  I sort of did that with The Intentional Weaver, pulling heavily from the things I share here for that book.

OTOH, I have stories.  Great stories.  But most of them need to be told, not read, I feel.

A few years ago, after doing a workshop and guild program, the person driving me to the airport to go home commented that I was a story teller.  When she said it, I recognized the truth of that statement.

Now that I am 'ending' (or at least reducing) my career, in the fits and starts that I seem to be capable of, I wonder - what stories will I tell?