Substantial

I weigh more now than I ever have before in my life.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  It's too tight.  I can't bend the way I could before I got this big.  I'm quite sure my feet, knees and hips would be much happier with me if I could just shed some weight.

But here's the thing.  I weighed exactly the same weight - given slight variations - for nearly 20 years.  And then I took a medication with the adverse effect of weight gain.  I gained almost 60 pounds and when I was done with that medication, I only lost 30.  So my 'normal' weight increased by 30 pounds.  I wasn't happy, but I had got 'me' back again, so accepted the new 'normal' and moved on.

Another 20 years went by and failing bodies need additional medication so I started a new drug to help deal with chronic pain, neuropathy from two partially collapsed discs, both pinching my spinal nerve.  I gained those 30 pounds 'lost' - and then a few more just for good measure.

Am I happy?  No.  Not at all.  I know I'm overweight and apart from starving myself, the weight will not shift.  If I could be more active, that might help, but my body is not co-operating with that variable, either.

According to society I am 'fat'.  According to some standards I am 'obese'.  According to the cancer clinic, I have 'resources'.  When they ask if I've lost weight since last time, they are not concerned about my being 'fat' but that one of the primary indicators of my cancer is sudden unexplained weight loss.  So not losing weight?  Is A Good Thing so far as they are concerned.

Even my cardiologist never seemed particularly worried about my weight so long as I stayed active and took the cholesterol medication (not statins, Praluent) and kept my blood cholesterol levels down low.

I eat 'healthy', which for me means fresh fruit and vegetables, plain meat.  I have followed a (very) low salt diet since a child.  I eat too much sugar, but it's not hidden in baking or processed foods.  I eat lean cuts of meat and drain the fat off.  I have fish almost every day.

I have consulted with the cardiac nurse about my lifestyle and - when she assessed the results and said that I had been doing everything right?  I asked why, then was I dealing with cardiac blockages.  She looked at me and said that you 'can't fight genetics'.

None of us gets out of here alive.  We will all, at some point, some sooner, some later, die.  That is the way life goes.  You are born, you live, you die.

I'm aware enough that I want my being here to mean something.  I want to share my love of textiles with others.  I want to encourage others in their journeys.  None of us know the extent of the potholes in someone else's life - just know that everyone has them.  I have wonderful people in my life who show me, sometimes daily, what it means to navigate those potholes with grace and a generous spirit.

I want to be like those people, not the ones who are never satisfied, never grateful - it seems - for anything.  I want to live in peace, not anger.  Anger takes too much energy and I have so little energy - I want to keep it for doing the things I love, helping the people around me as much as I am able.

As I turn 69 in a few weeks, I work towards retiring from production weaving.  I have worked hard, long hours, scrambling to make and sell my textiles for a long time.  This year marks 44 years since I made that fateful decision to quit my job and become a full time production weaver.  Turns out I also became a part time teacher of weaving - either through workshops or writing.

Travel is becoming more and more difficult for me so it is time to give up that baton and pass it on to others.  Time to stay home.  Have quiet, not chaos. 

I am not 'fat'...I am...'substantial'...