Change/Confluences

Now that the brain fog is lifting and there are merely tendrils, not full scale fog, my brain is starting to work again.

This morning as I wove another rayon chenille scarf, only surface attention was required so - as I am wont to do - thoughts that had been buried or ignored began to bubble to the surface.  I kept thinking about Abby Franquemont's keynote at our conference in June, about how confluences can be turbulent.

Life is full of ups, downs, detours, confluences, but most of all, life is about change.  And yes, change is stressful, uncomfortable.  It is sometimes driven by confluences that we didn't see coming, didn't realize they were even on our particular road map.

As mentioned previously, I'm stubborn - or determined, if you prefer.  When turbulence hits my life I tend to put my head down, shoulder firmly to the wheel, and keep pushing towards my goal.  Apparently though, when I am going in the 'wrong' direction things will get more and more difficult, more and more challenging, until I have to stop, take a step back and realize that I need to go in a different direction.

This is sometimes an easy decision.  Other times?  Difficult.  Very, very difficult.

My plan, my goal, was to keep my business open and continue to participate in craft fairs for another two years.  Doug is reasonably healthy, and I have a pretty good grasp of my physical limits.  Or did.  Until I took the last cancer drug, which seems to have lasting effects in a negative way.  I had hoped that the muscle and joint pain would ease - which it has, to an extent.  But not entirely.  I hurt.  I am in pain most days.  I can still weave, but at no where near the pace I used to be able to do.

I had been paring back my teaching but thought that I could still do the craft fairs.  The past few months have made it abundantly clear that no, not even with the new loom, am I going to be able to production weave any longer.

Since coming to that realization in July, I have initiated efforts to begin closing the business of the studio down.  At the same time, I am dealing with the emotions of doing something I did not want to do just yet.  There is grief wrapped up in the burying of my goals, my dreams.  But I also realize that I have been incredibly blessed with all that I have experienced in this life because I made that fateful decision (with Doug's full support) to become a professional weaver in a society that frequently doesn't value hand made any more.

I was extremely fortunate in that I was able to work to make a niche for myself and find customers who were willing to pay a premium for my hand woven textiles.  I also found other craftspeople at the fairs who I enjoy spending time with, who will no longer be in my social circle because I won't be there myself. 

There is a daily push/pull of emotions as I find myself realizing that something else has to go.  But I also have moments when I spy a benefit.  Like this morning when I suddenly realized that I won't need to buy a city business licence any more.  It's not a huge amount, but still.  No business, no licence required.  Other things are more obvious - like giving up the annex and no longer needing to pay the rent on that.  Or the insurance on that location.  I'll still carry a rider on the studio because I have way more stuff than would be covered under a general household contents policy.

I won't have to carry business insurance on the van any more because we won't be transporting a van heaped with inventory and booth apparatus on winter roads.  The business telephone line - and the incessant spam phone calls - will go.  I won't have a business chequing account any more, just a personal one.  And I won't need to collect and remit sales taxes anymore because I won't be doing retail shows.  When I sell on consignment the shop does that.  Weaving will become my hobby, which it never was before.

There won't be critical rolling deadlines.  I will make time for other hobbies - reading, puzzle making, bobbin lace.  And of course continue to share my journey here with anyone interested in riding virtual shot gun.

Change happens.  Time to embrace this one.