Re-Imagining

I think one of the reasons I have been struggling with this whole 'retirement' thing is that I don't really want to 'retire'. 

I am tired.  That much is true.  I have been dealing with nearly constant fatigue and lack of energy since about 2006.  There is nothing quite like a body that has been worked hard and is now struggling to keep going.  And that, dear friends, is pretty much where I am at.

Two significant health issues, both of which have fatigue as a primary symptom, not to mention adverse drug reactions with fatigue as a primary symptom, means I am tired.  All the time, tired.

When I was younger I would race through the days, fueled by adrenaline.  Seems that is not exactly inexhaustible.  One can actually run out.

So here I am, about to set up for the first show of the year with no adrenaline to draw on.  The only way to keep going is to just...keep going.  But now I have an end in sight.  An end to the scramble.  The headlong rush to leap over each deadline as it rolls by.

I have regrets, of course I do.  But I am also pragmatic and it is time to accept the fact that I have given it my all.  I have done things I had no idea I would be able to accomplish.  I have been places and met people - all because I had this idea, this dream, that it would be possible to do this thing as my life's work.

The benefits have far outweighed the negatives.  But I'm tired.  It is time to imagine a different life for myself.  And I think I've done a pretty good job of that, too.  There are still some obligations to complete, stash to reduce, things to get rid of, one way or another.

Time to cut back.  Time to rest.  Who knows, maybe in the end I will discover that the adrenaline well will begin to refill and I will be able to feel more energetic again. 

But if not?  That's ok, too.

Today is 30 days away from my next clinic appointment.  I think my remission is holding.  I hope so because I still haven't recovered from the adverse effects of the last cancer drug.  In my special snowflake-ness, my body seems to have slipped into a completely unexpected hiatus from the cancer.  I am hoping very much that will continue because I want to continue to teach for a while yet.  I am hoping to hear from Olds College soon about 2020.    Stay tuned.