Unreal

 

Autumn scarves - painted warps

The past 6+ weeks have been...an experience.

There were days when I could NOT find the words I needed to say what I wanted to say.  It was a lack of expression that I found discombobulating.  I've never expected being told I would lose my speech, and I was practically unable to say what I wanted to say.  I took it for granted that I would have control over my words.

This inability to express myself in speech was frustrating, and truth to tell - it hasn't entirely gone away.  If I'm tired my ability to express myself in language can go away entirely.  Still.

I have *some* ability to write, but there are whole parts of sentences that wink out of existence.  Words double up, or disappear entirely.

And this is why I feel I have to stop teaching, even remotely, probably for the rest of my life.  When left alone with my desktop where I can take hours to write a sentence that actually says what I want it to say...well, that is just my time being 'wasted'.

I am still dealing with a level of 'amnesia' from the time I crawled into bed after lunch, to waking up in Vancouver.  It is very strange for several days to disappear with zero memory of them.

I have requested the physiotherapist to come and confirm I am still able to weave.  I hope that the body remembers what the brain forgets.  With nearly 50 years of fine tuning my weaving, I hope I will be able to continue to weave.

A number of medical professionals are telling me I will recover.  They tell me I'm doing well (really???) and they foresee my making a good recovery.

But will that 'good' recovery allow me to teach?  Somehow I don't want to teach in person.  Because I never know when my brain will close up shop. 

As far as the blog goes, I can spend hours - if I have to - to write a post, while my brain recovers what I can to know and write down.  Instead of 20-30 minutes.

People assume that I spend hours to write a post.  Once I started writing blog posts I got quite practiced at writing them.  Oh, it wasn't 'perfect', it was just me, jotting down thoughts that filled my brain.  But neither did I spend much time writing what I was thinking about it.

Sort of like weaving - so many weavers just assumed that I lacked efficiency when I'd spent the majority of my time as a weaver to become as efficient as I could.  

With the future really and truly unknown to me, I have no idea how far my recovery will go and how my future years (?) will go.