Stops and Starts

 

It's hard to get a good photo of this design, in part because the motifs are large, but I got the first 14 towels into the washer/dryer and have begun hemming.

I'm not entirely pleased with it.  I could have shaved some more 'roughness' from the transitions from one area to the next, but it's fine.  I'm happy enough with it.

Today I heard from Brassard that the yarn I ordered to use for warp for the linen weft is being shipped today.  OTOH, I have to finish this warp, plus there is enough yarn for two more of this colour combo.  I'm so close to being 'done' with this series, I think I'll stick it out and go ahead with the next two warps in this 'blue' and explore the other 'tile' designs I worked on but haven't yet woven.

The colour isn't quite accurate because my ipad has difficulty with some colours, and this sort of 'cyan' blue is one of them.

The warp is actually two colours - Brassard's Peacock and Bleu Moyen.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be happy with the natural white weft, but I think it works in this 'tile' design.  The next warp will be another variation of the tiles and I'll decide if I do one more once I get that warp into the loom, sometime next week at my current rate of progress.

As I continue to try different therapies, I have to accommodate the reaction to those therapies.  My body isn't always impressed with my efforts to improve function, and sometimes I find myself stymied with a body that just doesn't want to co-operate any further until things settle down.  

After nearly 3 years of the misery of peripheral neuropathy in my feet, it seems like I may have finally found a treatment (if not a 'cure' - I don't know that there IS a cure...)

As a teenager/young adult, I bought into the idea that 'everyone' is healthy and if I wasn't, it must be my 'fault'.  After the first treatment for cardiac blockages, I booked an appointment with the cardiac nurse at the hospital, who went through a very long questionnaire (20 pages?), looking at every aspect of my life.  Since heart disease is generally thought to be a lifestyle disease, I wanted to know what I had done to cause this, and therefore what I needed to do to 'fix' it.

At the end she looked at the results of the questionnaire, and tapping her pencil on the table, said, "Well, you were doing everything right."

There was a moment of silence as I absorbed her comment.  In frustration, I said "If I did everything right, why am I here, then?"  Meaning, why did I just need to have stents installed in my heart, need to take statins, bp meds.  She gave me a good long look and then said "You can't beat genetics."  Oh.

The myth that 'everyone is healthy' - unless they did something stupid, or chose risky behaviours, etc., was suddenly revealed to me.  The more vocal I got, here and elsewhere, about what I was going through, especially subsequent health issues, the more I realized that being healthy is not the 'norm'.  We just pretend to be healthy and functioning - or at least a great many of us do.  

When I was a kid, my mother hid any illness or weakness from her friends.  It was considered to be in poor taste to admit to needing help, needing therapy, for instance, for being unable to function up to the standard of well-being that was being touted as 'normal'.

I am very fortunate that I have been able to surround myself with therapists who are willing to work with me, who help me keep weaving, and generally guide me into better approaches to living with chronic pain.

But there is still that inner me who remembers the body I used to have and mourns the fact that I cannot deny that my body is wearing out.

The goal now is to keep going, as best I can, for as long as I can, because, yes, I ordered more yarn!  And I would really love to be able to bring my fibre dreams into reality.  And who knows, maybe help a few people with weaving questions.  

If that means I take more 'rest' days, then so be it.  Stopping before I hurt myself some more is better than continuing to push on until I harm myself further.  My deadlines are truly self-inflicted.  I can move a task to the next day, or even the day after.

And I can still teach, even if it is 'only' by Zoom.