Stubborn

Stubborn, my mother called me.  As if that was a bad thing.  Which I suppose from her perspective it was.  Personally?  I prefer persistent...

But it can also be negative.  Especially when I stubbornly procrastinate about doing something that needs to be done, putting it off longer and longer until I really don't want to do it at all.

Maybe one of these years I will learn that if I just go ahead and do it, I wouldn't need to have it hanging over my head.

But stubborn?  I'll accept that.

I stubbornly worked at making weaving (in one form or another) my life's work.

Stubbornly I stuck to working on my Guild of Canadian Weavers master weaver certificate.

I would not give up on trying to find teaching gigs or submitting articles for publication.

Persistently I worked at producing Magic in the Water.  And then The Intentional Weaver.

If I hadn't stubbornly carried on with those things, I would not be the person I am today.

On the other hand, I have also learned when to cut my losses and give up on something.  How do I know which is which?  I don't.  Not really.  I have no idea which ideas I have had that were worthwhile.  I just kept on working on some things and let others go.  It is almost as if - stick with me here - the bigger the dream, the more I had to do it. 

In spite of how much money it took to get it done (because Magic was *very* expensive to produce), in spite of the emotional toll it took on me.  In spite of the energy and time I poured into it.  Maybe because of that last one.

But there comes a time when I can assess where I am, how much energy and time I have left, and let go of Big Dreams.

And that is ok, too.

So while I am 'retired', it is from a slice of my professional life.  Specifically, I am no longer seeking teaching dates (beyond Olds, when ever that program might be possible - if I still have the energy when it does), or weaving primarily to sell.

But it doesn't mean I'm not weaving.  Because I am.  I am also being selective in what I weave and for whom.  But I did accept a commission from someone else and today I am putting the finishing touch to that.

I am also finding that weaving on the smaller loom is becoming more of a problem.  I am going to have to monitor my physical health and then decide if I really can keep weaving on that loom or if I find it a new home.

These changes over the past year or so have not been easy.  Nostalgia colours what I do - what I think I can do (but may not be able to).  Hope springs eternal that my physical issues resolve, but in reality?  They are probably just going to get 'worse'.

But I'm stubborn.  So I will carry on, as best I am able.  For as long as I am able.