Knowing

This view of the river was taken around this time of the year a couple of years ago.  When I knew how my life was going to play out.

Um, yeah, about that...

I have always known life was fragile - too many deaths in my family all while I was growing up left me with no illusions about that.

But there was always within me a 'knowing' that I was strong enough to get through most everything.

Over the years, many of which consisted of struggle in various guises, years where I dealt with chronic health issues, there was a certainty in me that everything would be ok.  Well, I might have a wee wobble, but that certainty would come through again.

Sometimes it was just denial - like my first visit to the cancer clinic when I knew I couldn't possibly have cancer.

Yeah, I could.  The good news was that it was 'indolent' (slow growing) and that my cardiac issues would likely kill me before the cancer would.  That didn't mean the process would be pleasant - far from it.  And yet...here I still am.

But this decade has brought home to me the transformation of knowing things will be ok in the end, to understanding that yeah, everyone dies at some point.

The pandemic has served to change that intellectual knowing that life is fragile and ends, to a very personal understanding that yes, I am also fragile and my life will, at some point, end.

I say this, not to be morbid, but realistic.  Believe me I have no intention of dying just yet, thankyouverymuch!  I have way too much yarn left to use up, and I still have classes I want to teach.

But somehow I have become comfortable with my life as it now is.  In it's twilight hours.  Of course where I live, twilight, especially during the summer, lasts a very long time.

If I am to do anything more with my life, I need to be thinking of what that will look like and how I will manage it.

At this point I have no idea.  But the idea is in the pot simmering on the back of the stove (so to speak) and I am aware that something needs to happen.  Will it be another Big Project?  Dunno.  I still have card stock to staple samples to.  I now have a gigantic collection of silk - I could finish that A Good Yarn series and do one with silk.

Or I could just be content to teach the Olds classes when and where I can, and mentor people who are as interested in the creation of woven cloth as I am.  I could just keep writing this blog, be it musing about life (and death) or textiles.  I could write articles and shop them around for publication - although there are very few choices these days.  What I will not be doing is writing another book.  I think two is sufficient!

What I have learned is that when I become aware, become ready, something will appear on the horizon.

To be determined...