Heart Day

 

It has been nearly 14 years since my younger brother died of unsuspected heart disease.  

And because of that, mine was diagnosed.

I remember the last Christmas dinner we had, Doug and me, Don and mom.  I remember how Don and I had had a number of conversations over the preceding year saying how utterly exhausted we were.  How stressed we were.  How difficult every bloody thing had gotten.

And I remember sitting beside him noticing in a kind of oh, that's interesting way, we both had fingernails that were lavender in colour.  And then the noticing slid away from my attention and I thought no more about it.

Until the phone rang that February evening with his boss asking if there was a reason Don's lips might be turning blue.

In the space of a heart beat, I said "His heart." 

And it was.

One month later I was sitting in emergency, having been sent there by the (female) locum in large part because I mentioned to her I had pressure in my chest, that it felt like an elephant was standing on it.

The internist on call in emergency saw me, put me on nitro, had the emergency staff monitor me, kept me in overnight, then ordered a stress test.  And on May 9 I was told that I had several blockages and needed stents.

I thought a lot about my brother that day.  How his death led to my diagnosis.  And eventually Doug's, for his blockages.

In 2015 during surgical intake the anesthesiologist wondered how I had managed to wind up with stents and was now in the process of having triple by-pass surgery without ever having had a heart attack.  Which is practically unheard of.

My symptoms were not typical of heart disease.  Or at least, not the typical male symptoms.  And that is probably why my brother got missed - he wasn't having typical male symptoms, either.  

When I was able to think again (after the stents) I was able to catalogue my symptoms and recognize that my brother was most likely having much the same - fatigue, certainly, shortness of breath on exertion, hypoxia (lack of oxygen) leading to brain fog.  I felt like I was wearing a veil of fatigue from the top of my head to lower back.  And of course, those lavender fingernails.

When the symptoms came back, I requested a stress test.  When the (different) specialist saw me, he pooh-poohed my symptoms as being age related.  I was older, of course I would have less energy, not be as physically fit, etc.  I looked at him and said 'given I have a proven history of artery blockages, how about we do a stress test to rule it out?'   Er, um, okay.

Three weeks later I was having an angiogram, being told I needed by-pass surgery.  So when the anesthesiologist wondered how I had managed to arrive at the cardiac ward without having had a heart attack, I told him I had a good heart, crappy plumbing.  He assured me that Dr. Ye was a very good plumber.

And here I am.  Fourteen years on.  Still here.  Still weaving.  Still teaching.  I don't know why my brother didn't survive when I have.  I dealt with survivor guilt for a number of years until I realized that since I am still here, I'd better make the most of this life.  It is the only one I will get.  And I owe my brother, whose death gave me the gift of continued life, to not waste my life, but to do the best I can.

The past month has been challenging beyond words.  In many ways this episode with shingles has been worse than the surgery.  At least with the surgery I knew it was short term pain for long term gain.  With the shingles, it's just been pain and no guarantee the nerve pain from the shingles will ever go away.  Just another cherry on top of the chronic pain pie.

But it is less than a month until I have a consult with the back pain doctor.  And at least I still have hope that she may have a treatment to offer me to reduce the pain.  Otherwise, I face a life with continuing and increasing pain.  A prospect that doesn't appeal, but...

So today is heart day.  Take care of yours.  If you suspect you have heart disease, especially if you're female, try to get a stress test if you can.  If your family has a history of people dying suddenly from massive coronary events, pay attention.  Check out the symptoms for female presentation of cardiac symptoms.  

Fatigue.  Chest pain - not sharp but heaviness.  Shortness of breath on exertion.  Lavender coloured nails.  There are others, but that's a start.

In the meantime, I'm feeling better enough I can weave - some.  My next class for SOS launches this week.  Looking forward to continuing to teach, even if it is 'only' on line.

Don Holzworth, in his happy place.  1956-2008