The Bitter Taste of Disappointment

 

Have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it?

Sure you have.  We all have.

I've had my share of disappointment, more often than I would ever admit.  I make mistakes, none of them particularly earth shattering and I roll on to the next pretty quickly.

But other times?  Other times the disappointment bites.  Hard.

I've had a pretty crumby year or so.  Life is full of ups and downs and the downs seem to have crowded together the past while and I've been feeling battered by the constant struggle to get up and get going again.  Partly it's age.  I'm not in my 30s anymore.  This body has been rode hard, put away wet too frequently.  And my age is showing.  I feel tattered and ragged.  My well of energy is nearly empty and it doesn't take much to knock me down.

So far I've managed to pick myself up again, but sometimes it's harder.

There was an opportunity that I had been looking forward to and a convergence of things culminated in my recognizing that doing That Thing likely wasn't a good idea.  But I still held a kernel of hope that it would come together.  Until it didn't.

It slipped through my fingers just about the time the injection in my back wore off and increasing pain levels made it clear that even if I had been offered the chance to do The Thing, the prudent, the *adult* thing would have been to decline.

But the disappointment lingered.  

Acceptance has come slowly - and to be frank, I'm not quite there, yet.  I still find myself emotionally kicking the baseboards.  The adult version of a toddler tantrum.

Today there was a thread on Twitter about people with chronic health issues needing to find 'acceptance' in order to continue.  I have to agree.  If I didn't accept the reality of my life, I would wind up with the bitter taste of disappointment in my mouth all of the time.  I would wind up angry and eventually depressed at all the things I have had to give up.  All the things that I could not do.  

Instead, by embracing acceptance, I can realistically look at what IS possible, instead of hyper focusing on what isn't.  By digging deep to discover what IS possible, instead of what isn't, I can figure out how to move forward.  Live my life.  

Ultimately feel like I am 'worthy'.  Valued.  

If I focus on what I *can't* do, there is no time in my brain, or my feelings, to continue to grow what I *can* do.

So I am slowly but surely cutting the emotional ties to The Thing, letting it go.  Carving out space in what energy and brain power I have - right now - to accomplish something positive.

Because I CAN still teach.  It just won't be the way I used to do it.  I CAN still support and encourage others, it will just be from a distance, not in person.  And I CAN still weave, so I will.

Today I wove the first two towels on the next red warp.  I'm pleased enough with them.  I've used the 3 ply linen before on 2/16 unmerc cotton and they turned out really nice, so I'm anticipating that these will, as well.  There isn't enough of this yarn for the entire warp, but I have other linen yarns that also need to be used up.  I may tweak the tie up to provide more interlacements because the other natural linen is a bit finer than this 3 ply.  And then there is the 2/20 merc. cotton.  I may use up the last of the orange.  Or I may use some of the gold.  But it sure would be nice to use up another cone of yarn, so right now I'm leaning towards the orange.  And if there is any warp left after that, the gold.

I have also made a firm decision on the lace class for SOS and will begin working on that next week.  I've promised to send them the info then so I have a 'looming' deadline.

In the meantime?  I will continue to work on acceptance.