At his memorial, one of his friends called my brother Don a catalyst. I had to agree. Then I spent a lot of time thinking about him - what he achieved in his (too short) life. I was honoured that he felt he could turn to me when he was thinking about something and we could talk about the deeper meanings of things. I miss that now. I miss him. Still.
As a result of his death and my subsequent health issues, I started this blog. It was primarily a way to reach out to people in a more...targeted way, I suppose. I enjoyed answering weaving questions, hearing that my input had helped someone figure out what was going 'wrong', see them take the next steps on their journey.
Gradually it has changed, too, as I became older. One hopes, wiser. Feedback was less, but also? Less negative.
In the past 10 or so years I have begun, tentatively, to discuss more of my 'politics'. I don't claim membership in any political party. I don't 'owe' my loyalty to any one party - or party leader. And I make sure I vote so that I have my card to complain when I'm not happy about things. I wrote my first letter (email) to the PM last month. It may well be only the first of many...silence means assent.
My biggest discontent began under the 'reign' of Stephen Harper, although there was always a politician somewhere - provincial or federal - who annoyed me.
It seems in the past 10 or so years, politics has become ever more right leaning until in many cases the growth of the alt-right seems overwhelming.
What would my brother think about all this? No idea. Not really. We had never discussed politics very much. I would like to talk to him now, because talking to him allowed me to figure out my attitude with more clarity.
I wish I could do more to be the change I want to see in the world. But Covid is still here (yes, really) but now we *also* have measles screaming back, not to mention polio. I suppose TB, small pox, whooping cough, et bloody cetera are next. And my immune system doesn't work well, so things would not go well for me if any of those 'caught' me...
And what do I do? I head back to the loom to weave more tea towels. Nothing earth shaking.
But weaving helps keep me centered. It helps turn off the world for a few minutes. Allows me to 'rest' from the turmoil in the world. The uncertainty. The overwhelming emotions, knowing what is happening in other parts of the world. Things that I have little ability to fix. Sometimes I need to close my eyes, even when doing so makes me feel callous. Heartless.
But I cannot fix the world. So, I try to help those I can. And when I'm out of 'resources' I have to walk away; take a time out; rest. So I can come back later and try to amplify the voices of others, show them they are not alone. I speak out so that those who think they are the only ones can hear me and know that they are not.
I have no idea how I got so 'lucky' when I had the brain bleed last August. But I'm still here. Can, actually, still write. So I speak out. Because I can.
For now, I need to get to the loom. I may have a friend coming later, but first I need some time at the loom. Self care for me is to get some time to be creative. To make something. To 'meditate' for a while. I do what I can, as little as that feels some days.
A friend sends wishes for gold dust to people that need something positive - I have bags of gold dust to share. Spread it around as though it is glitter...
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