Roller Coaster (CW - health issues)

 

Even as (some) things get 'better', (some) things get 'worse'.

So hey, I'm still here.  I'm not doing much right now, though.  My body seems to hate me, although in reality it is just complaining.  Mostly about how many times I 'pushed through' whatever it was I was dealing with at the time.

'Rode hard, put away wet' is a phrase I learned from some people I know who ride horses.  And it pretty much sums up the majority of my life.

The therapy I'm getting is part of the 'salad' of my life.  I am finally coming out of De Nile and actually dealing with some stuff that I, well, stuffed down and out of sight, but obviously not out of mind.

I've been advised to treat myself with compassion right now as I dig out the trauma that has been the bedrock of my life, for all of my life.

So I'm trying really hard to stay focused on encouraging healing to arrive in my conscious mind.  But when you have buried something for 75+ years, digging it out again is going to cause some emotional chaos.

Plus the physical effects of working too hard, not resting and/or healing enough before picking up the load and staggering onwards.

I tried to get started on the article late last week, and after a good start, I fell off the wagon.  And the rough draft is sitting to my right, within my peripheral vision.  I'm trying really hard to not feel guilty.  I still have time.  I can wait a few more days

The next two weeks are a bit of a challenge as I have appointments - massage, therapy, doctor (2 of them) and while I wait I feel reluctance to push forward.  It all feels like a hill too high, the road too rough.

I did manage to thread the silk warp.  Today my goal is to sley and tie up.  If I have enough spoons, weave a sample to check my plans.  Because reality will intrude the second I start throwing the shuttle.

And who knows, if that goes well, I may feel able to pick up that rough draft and add some more content to it.

In the meantime, reality carries on.  It is too warm, with too little snowpack in the mountains.  When the rains come this early the snow melts and because the ground is frozen, the water drains away.  And nothing is left to deliver moisture to the thirsty ground when the dry summer days come.  Which means that this year could become another blistering misery with multiple wildfires and too little water for, well, anything.

But there is nothing I can do about that, not really.  So instead I will try to continue to do what I can - answer questions, write (I have this article to do, and then maybe another - they aren't quite to the contract issuing stage), this blog, answers on a couple weaving groups I belong to, questions via School of Sweet Georgia, etc.

Today I'm going to try to book the guild room for another Weavers Show and Share.  They are having a Grand Re-Opening to show the guild members the 'new' guild room space this week.  I won't go because I don't do large crowds anymore.  Because on top of every other damn thing I'm dealing with, I'm *still* immune compromised.  And for me Covid is not 'over'.  (Nor measles, RSV, flu, colds et bloody cetera.)

If you can, if you are feeling overwhelmed, try to find one small positive thing you can do.  Maybe clean a little corner of some clutter if you can.  Send an encouraging note to a friend who may be feeling a decided lack of spoons/energy.  Spend time at your craft, bringing something new into being.  Create something.  

My dad always looked at something that someone had made, maybe a cake mom had baked, and would tell others that 'my wife built it'.  If he is still around looking down on me, I hope he is watching what I have done with my life and is telling others in heaven that 'my daughter built it'.