Power of Positivity

When I made my cancer diagnosis public, a lot of people rushed to explain to me how I needed to be positive. 

Positivity is a great way to approach life, but positivity does not mean that you cannot feel sad - at times - grieve - at times - be discouraged - at times.  To me positivity means that I can feel down, but that I don't let myself get 'stuck' in a blue mood. 

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was going through a really tough time was to go ahead and feel what I was feeling but not to stay there.  I was to sit down at the table with a timer set for 15 minutes.  During that 15 minutes I was to write down every thought that came to me - in longhand, not on a keyboard.  As I wrote I was to feel what I was feeling and express what those emotions were.  All my fears, my worst scenarios, all the things the voices in my head were saying.  Acknowledge that I felt like a failure, a bad person, how I said something I regretted.  Just stream of consciousness - write it all out.

When the timer went DING!  I was to set the pen down, get up and go about my day.  Then when all those clamouring negative voices tried to intrude into my thoughts, I was to say STOP!  And continue to say STOP every time those voices tried to grab hold of my thoughts and derail me from doing what I wanted/needed to do.

Once the negative voices were exiled I had a really hard time with the silence.  I realized just how many years those voices had been a steady background noise in my head.  At first I didn't know how to handle the silence from the constant stream of criticism.  It was unsettling, unnerving.

The way I coped with the silence was to play music in the studio.  Or audio books.  Replace the voices of negativity with stories, spoken or sung.

Gradually I was able to cope with things going 'wrong' by not beating myself up but digging deeper into the situation/problem by looking for the solution or the lesson.  Because there always is one.  Sometimes the solution is to toss what I've done away and start over.  Sometimes the lesson is that I really didn't want to do that but it was an interesting diversion.

Over the years I was able to focus on what I really wanted to do, what really mattered to me. 

Positivity is not ignoring the things that are wrong in this world.  Positivity is working to make things better, not just for me, but for everyone.

There is a meme that says if you have enough, don't build a wall, build a bigger table.  I have lived my life working in a very low income profession.  My wants and needs are modest.  I have 'enough' now.  Enough for a comfortable life - as long as I don't squander my resources.  And by resources, I'm not just talking about money, but my time, my energy.

Restructuring my life means finding a new way to work.  A new way to think.  A new way to spend my time and energy, when both are dwindling.

When I look back at my life as a weaver - which I did recently - it was a good reminder of what I have done.  What I have accomplished.  I look forward to mentoring people who want to learn what I know.  I don't know everything.  Someone asked last week about a problem they had - I offered my suggestion, which ultimately didn't work for her, but she figured out a work around that got her results that would 'do'. 

Positivity doesn't mean that you know all the correct answers, just that you may be able to shed some light on a situation.

As I enter my next stage of life, there may be times when there is once again a deafening silence.  No crammed calendar, no critical deadlines to juggle, no pressure to create inventory for sales that I will not be doing.

I have been subscribing to podcasts - which I have not had the time or mental focus to listen to right now - I have dozens of CDs and cassettes (yes, I still play cassettes!).  If I find the silence in my mind too loud, I can adjust my input.

Or I can think about some of those questions that I don't know the answers to and think about experiments I might do, explorations I might take.

This morning as I sat in the window soaking up some weak sunlight, I thought about archeology and textiles and some of the research that has been taking place in the past few years.   And I remembered the textile collection at Louisburg, NS.  And all I have to do is apply for a research permit in order to closely examine the textiles.  The commute is a killer, but...textiles dating from the 1700s, still unexamined.  Now there's a rabbit hole that might bear closer inspection.  Unless I can convince a local to do it as part of their Olds final level.  (gauntlet thrown....)