A Little Sun

Today I awoke to some sunshine.  Things always look - and feel - so much better when the sun finally shines.

Yesterday was a sort-of day off.  I've been plagued with sinus headaches and nothing much fixes them except just taking a painkiller and waiting for it to take effect.  (Yes, I take a daily anti-histamine and yesterday I took a Benedryl while I sat outside visiting with friends - I've lived with allergies and sinus issues for my entire life - I know what works and what doesn't, thanks anyway.)

I share this only to say that when I look back on my life I have lived with chronic pain of one kind or another for as far back as I can remember.  Pain is nothing new.  What is new is my not pushing through it.  I just don't seem to have it in me anymore. 

While I don't feel 'old' as such, my body tells me otherwise.

The other day I commented to a friend that now I have stopped being a professional weaver, now that I no longer have rolling critical deadlines, I have also lost the adrenaline that kept me pushing through the pain. 

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.  Maybe it's just a function of the age of my body and how broken it is.

When the doctor told mom that there was nothing more they could do for her except keep her comfortable and the best place to do that was in hospice, she looked at me and back at him and said "Well, I've had 90 years and 85 of them were good."

I thought to myself that if she could live the life she had, the heart break, and the pain, and still see the 'good' that came along as well, that was a wonderful gift.

And so I look at my life and set the years of pain to one side and embrace all the good that has come to me.  The people I have met.   The places I have been.  The things that I have done.

And if it means I sit for an hour or so and wait for a pain killer to kick in and play games on the ipad while I do so, that is a perfectly valid thing for a 'retired' person to do.  I would love to not have health issues to deal with, quite frankly, but so far the good still out weighs the 'bad'. 

Time to get dressed.  There is a loom waiting for me.  And who knows, maybe I can generate some endorphins.

Happy place, here I come!