Mixed Feelings

Today's the day.

And ultimately?  It's just another day.  It might be great, it might not.  But here's the thing.  I'm still here.  I'm still weaving.  I'm still wishing to teach (when it becomes safe again).

With most of my father's family dying before their 60th birthday (including my brother), in many ways I had little expectation that I would make it this far.  And honestly?  I almost didn't.  I was teetering on the edge of the precipice in 2008 with undiagnosed cardiac blockages and when my brother fell over at work, the coroner sent me to my doctor to get checked out.

In hindsight I still can't fathom why he went first because I was the older one by six years.

And yet.

And yet.

Here I am.

I feel an obligation to live my life to it's fullest, simply because I am still here, and he isn't.

So each year that goes by, I sit and wonder...why?  Why am I still here?  What is my purpose?  Am I doing my best to make things better for others?  If not, why not?

We are given life to do with as we please.  Some people extend hands of welcome to others.  Some prevent others from having a seat at the table, a voice in the choir.

Am I doing the 'right' thing every day?  No, probably not.  But I am trying.  I am seeking knowledge and understanding.  I want to build a bigger table, not fences.

My wish is for all to have what they need (not just what they want - they are two different things in many cases).

As one single person with no power to move mountains, I can shine a light where there is darkness.  I can amplify the voices of those who are not being heard.  I can be supportive and encouraging when I see others tiring.

From my perspective of 70 years I have seen society cycle through periods of great stress and turmoil.  I know that even though the sun may not be shining here, it is shining somewhere.  And that we need rain as well as sun.  That all things will pass - the good and the bad.

Last summer I wrote, as part catharsis, part therapy, a 'memoir'.  My editor wondered if I really wanted people to know what I shared about my life in that document.  In the end I decided to let it sit.  While I have not deleted the file, neither have I decided to move forward with the project.

In the end, maybe the value of the therapy of writing it all down was enough.

But each and every one of us is shaped by the experiences we live through, the battles we fight, the losses we sustain.  So what and who I am today is the sum of those memories and experiences.  I freely admit I might not be remembering the things that happened accurately - memory is fickle, after all.  But my memories of the trauma our family went through are my bubble of reality and how I dealt with them in large part shaped who I am today.

Wayne Dyer talked about reaching an age when your role would change into that of mentor.  I accepted that role a few years ago.

I reaffirm that role now, today, and for the days going forward, for as long as I am able.

For anyone interested, the birthday special offer continues until midnight tonight.  Purchase The Intentional Weaver via blurb.com, send me a confirmation of your order and your mailing address and I will send you a birthday gift of a tea towel.