Imposter Syndrome

 

Not so long ago, someone I went to school with commented that other students assumed that I was confident and in control.

I blurted out a HA!  Imposter Syndrome!

I never know why people think that I am confident or in control of anything when I have never felt that of myself.  Behind whatever public persona people are viewing, inside I have dealt with the anxiety of not knowing if what I was doing - most of the time - was even possible.

Could I teach?  Well, I was able to muddle through.  And the more I did it, I suppose the more competent I looked.  Thing was, I *wanted* to teach.  And I wanted to be good at it.  So I kept trying, this, that and the other, until I finally felt that most students eventually got something out of what I was doing.  Not all.  And the dissatisfied ones always made sure I knew they weren't satisfied.  It took a long time for me to squash the guilt that I hadn't been the 'right' teacher for them.

Name any other thing I've done and the same dynamic has always been in play.

Can I do a keynote lecture.  Um, ok, I think so.  

Can I write articles?  I can try.

Can I run a business?  Successfully?  For certain values of.

The thing that I never let happen, though, was to let my anxiety and fear stop me from doing what I really wanted to do.  And perhaps that is what was resonating with the people around me.  Maybe that is what they were seeing.  My determination.  My persistence.  My stubbornness.  Because I wasn't ever confident or felt in control of anything beyond what I could put into doing what I wanted to do.

Was it ever enough?  I hope so.  I think so.  I did the best I could, is all I can say.  At times I probably failed, too, but learn from your mistakes and continue has been my motto.

When I 'retired' I was doing so for a number of reasons, none of them having to do with not wanting to write or teach again.  So when I was asked to do a Zoom presentation, I was like um, well, I guess.  Because I knew it would be a learning curve.  On the other hand, I had already begun working on the Sunday Seminar Series, and I thought ok, by giving a presentation, I will have a better idea of how to help those speakers who are feeling just as unsure, just as trepidatious as I am.  If I go first, I can help them.

Several of the speakers are new to Zoom, too, and feeling nervous so if I can do it, I can assure them that it can be done and that I will be there to help them.

But that's the other thing - the seminar series.  I came up with the idea because I knew everyone, particularly my local guild members, were feeling the isolation.  And I knew going into winter it was going to just keep on getting worse as I saw the second wave beginning to build in September.

I wanted to give them something to look forward to.  As I thought about it, I realized the potential of doing this, not just for local guild members, but local folk who might be interested in general topics about textiles.  And then I realized that we didn't need to constrain it to just locals, but anyone who had internet, which meant pretty much anywhere.  When that realization came, I got really excited.

Now that we will be ready to launch in the next few days, my anxiety is kicking in again.  I've booked people who are well known, and some who are not but who have valuable insights to share.  I've booked people with a large social media presence, and some who don't.  I've booked people from other countries, other continents, heck, the other hemisphere.  And it's been lovely and delightful and energizing.  But that inner doubter has risen and tapped me on the shoulder sowing doubt.

And I will do what I always do - kick that demon out of my way.  Because I feel right about this project.  Whether or not it becomes a fund raiser for the guild to help pay the room rent, only time will tell.  But in the meantime, I have provided some income for the speakers, most of whom are dealing with income fragility due to events being cancelled.  And while the fee for the series speakers isn't going to make up for all the things that have been cancelled, it is something.  And if the ones who are feeling doubtful about being able to do a Zoom presentation find that it's not horrible, and more guilds find that Zoom programs are actually better than nothing, maybe more speakers will join in, more guilds will join in, and we can beat back the isolation we are all dealing with and learn something new.  Together.  But safely distant.

Stay home if you can.  Wear a mask if you need to go out.  Stay safe and well until we can meet in person safely.  {{{hugs}}} to those who need one