Giving Up Guilt

 

Given the fresh snow yesterday (that still lingers) it seemed appropriate to use this little 'snowflake' design that I wove a bunch of years ago.  The warp was 2/16 bamboo (from Brassard) and black rayon chenille and the weft the same (different colours for weft).  Diversified Plain Weave, as I recall.  It's been a while.

Been thinking a lot about 'the rest of my life'.  Things change when you begin to see an end date.  In 2008 when I had cardiac issues, I still had hope I could return to my 'old' life once I recovered.  And I did.  Mostly.

Broken ankle?  Ditto.  It took a long time, but eventually I was able to go back to what I had been doing.  A few more aches and pains, but no matter.  I was no stranger to those.  Just pile a few more on.

But then cancer.  And I fought my way back to functioning.  More cardiac issues and by-pass surgery.  I began to shrink my activity horizons and started cutting back on what I had been doing.  Dyeing yarn for sale was the first thing to go.  But I kept traveling to teach whenever I had the opportunity, even though I'd begun to loathe the dark o'clock departures, the 3 to 4 flights to get to where I needed to go, the time zone changes.

By 2019 I was losing ground physically.  My body was quite obviously breaking down, not just because of the weaving but the cardiac, cancer, adverse drug effects, whiplash injuries, etc.

The next thing to go was traveling to teach and shutting down doing shows to try and sell my textiles.  It seemed huge to me to cut that part of my life out.  And it was.  I'm still dealing with the shift in mindset after 40 years of doing that.  

I simply cannot do what I used to be able to do.  But I still have (most) of my mind, my knowledge.  And I still want to teach.  So I have swung quite happily into teaching on line with Sweet Georgia.  

Yesterday I was asked if I would write an article for a publication and after thinking about it for all of 20 seconds, I sent 'yes' as my answer.  The deadline is Aug. 15, which is good because the next few months are a bit hectic.  Not for my old self, but I'm not my old self anymore and I know the current spur of energy may not last once the pain begins to return.  So I'm going to have to pace myself and make sure I don't run myself ragged trying to do what I used to be able to do, given this is a reprieve, not a cure.

My main focus will continue to be to weave every day I can.  Yesterday I took 'off' because I had appointments and errands to run and I didn't get home until 3 pm.  I decided at that point that weaving was not in the cards.

And that's the biggest thing about being 'retired'.  I don't have to pushpushpush anymore.  I can listen to my body and rest when it says it needs it.  I have given up guilt, not just for lent, but hopefully forever.