When I was healthier I used to walk my neighbourhood nearly everyday, partly for the exercise, partly to be more physically active in a more balanced way than weaving on the AVL, partly to just get out of the house. Now, walking 'too much' hurts so I gave up walking last year when I was recovering from shingles and the peripheral neuropathy ramped up. These days I conserve my energy for the weaving and reluctantly say goodbye to my walks.
Over the winter I began to feel restless. Maybe a bit 'bored'? Except I don't really truck in 'bored' because there is always something else I can be doing to engage my mind. This restlessness grew as I started working with the 'new' weave structure. It's not particularly 'new', others have done similar things. When the time is 'right' and all that.
It has been too 'interesting' for the past while. Too much stress. Too much worry. I would like to ignore the outside world but I can't because I live in it.
So while I concentrate on weaving, designing, reading a little bit, making puzzles and mostly ignoring the hemming pile, I feel that restlessness. I wonder if it is just 'spring', but this started just as winter was settling in so there is something else going on in my brain. Something I haven't resolved. Something I can't quite pin down.
Perhaps there is a bit of Imposter Syndrome mixed in there as I write my essays. A part of me feels driven to write them, but a part of me says 'you'll only disappoint people with your pithy comments'. There is a push/pull going on in the back of my brain on top of everything going on in the 'real' world.
I wonder if that is also part of this restlessness.
But I have stories I want to tell. Mostly they are stories of and about weaving, acquiring knowledge and sharing it. Personal revelations as well as craft centred ones. There are 18 now. Some of them may get rewritten, but the kernel of each? I hope to keep those. Separate the wheat from the chaff.
Yesterday I wrote about a trip to Sweden and remembering the day brought me comfort and even a little joy. That I had that experience. That I learned so much from the day. That some of my conclusions were validated. And I wanted to share that experience and that learning.
That's what these essays are really all about. Me, sharing some of the things I have learned over the decades. Abby Franquemont's comment about the responsibility some of us have who have been 'chosen' to hold the thread of knowledge need to ensure that the thread remains unbroken resonated with me so much I can't get the vision of a line of elders receding into the past, all holding and supporting that thread. Part of me pooh-pooh's my place in that line. Who do I think I am to believe that I might deserve a place in that thread, that line. And that, dear friends is Imposter Syndrome to the very molecule!
Because it is not up to me to decide I am part of that line. All I can do is try to help others, the best I can. It will be for others to decide my place in that line - or not.
As I wrestled with these ideas, the universe gave me validation. Sideways, as always. Over the past couple of days I have received messages from several people who have let me know Magic in the Water remains a prized resource for wet finishing and thanked me for the time/effort of getting the information out there and available. Some people have referred to it as a 'classic'. Some guilds won't let the book leave the guild room in case it never comes back.
So I think about all of that and wonder if this restlessness I feel is me fighting the Imposter Syndrome, trying to do what the universe apparently wants me to do - keep going. Keep writing. Keep telling my stories?
Yes, some people will find my stories lacking. That's fine. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, as they say. But enough people have contacted me about what I'm currently doing with my essays to say they want to see them, see what I want to share.
If that is the case, the only 'cure' for this restlessness is to get them written and out into the wild. And then maybe good old Impostor Syndrome can go hibernate again for a while and leave me alone?