Impostor Syndrome

 

Got the next bookmark started.  Since I'm working with 'fat' yarns, I had to figure out how to scan the pricking (design), then enlarge it.  Harder than I expected given the computer now converts scans to Google documents, which then needed to be converted to something I could insert into a Word document and enlarge.  

I'm not a patient person, especially when I remember how easy doing this sort of thing used to be, and quite honestly I don't remember how I managed to get it done, therefore have no idea how to do it again.  However, success once implies success can be achieved again, and it made a very clear design to work from, so I'm quite pleased with myself.

OTOH, I had another bump into impostor syndrome this morning.

I remember the very first time I saw myself (in a chat group) referred to as an 'expert'.  It was so shocking to me to be called such that I quite literally cringed.  (I physically 'shrank' into myself, ducking my head, thinking, no, no, I'm not an 'expert' - 'experts' know everything and I certainly do not!)

That is Imposter Syndrome.  

It is the inner voices telling you that you are not 'enough'.  You don't know enough.  You aren't 'good enough'.

It is something I have had to deal with all of my life, and here I am now, in my 70s, and today saw myself referred to as a 'professor' and immediately thought to myself that oh no, I'm not a Professor!!!

Teacher, sure.  Professor?  Um.  Professors have 'qualifications' and I...do not.  At least not anything academe would recognize as such.

OTOH, I did teach college level classes for a number of years as an adjunct teacher.

Impostor Syndrome is something that I have had to deal with for decades.  Entering the field of weaving *because* I could see that one person could never know it ALL, which was actually one of the big attractions for me, no matter how much I learned, I was well aware of how much *more* there was TO learn. 

As I took the master level program from Guild of Canadian Weavers and began to get a better handle on how threads made cloth, I still knew there was SO much more TO learn.  

To discover myself being referred to as an 'expert' was not comfortable.  It felt like I was claiming something I was not.  

Even after I achieved the master level, I still felt very uncomfortable to be described as an 'expert'.  And I still do NOT know it 'all'.  That doesn't mean I don't know anything, because I do.  I know a lot, actually.  (Take that Impostor Syndrome!)

This is one of the topics I have written about for the next book A Thread Runs Through It*.  Because the longer I have been in this field, the more people I know, the more I understand just how many of us wrestle with Impostor Syndrome.

It can be a very lonely struggle.  Impostor Syndrome means that a person feels like a fraud, in some ways.  And to admit that they don't feel like an expert feels like a weakness.  Or a confession.  

I have had to embrace the fact that I do not know 'everything' there is to know about taking thread and turning it into cloth.  To *celebrate* that there is still so much more TO learn.  To never be afraid to make a mistake, and admit that I have.  And then try to 'fix' it and grow/learn from making said mistake.

Our society gets so tied up in 'perfection' without acknowledging the long journey of learning that brings us to 'good', never mind 'perfect'.  Always seeing that 'imperfect' journey as a flaw, when in fact it is the very essence of learning.  Growing.

Writing about my particular journey was cathartic.  And I hope that anyone else also struggling with Impostor Syndrome will manage to wrestle their naysayer back into the dark and keep growing, keep learning.

Thank you, previous student who called me 'professor'.  It means a lot to be held in such a position in your life, in your journey.  And it allowed me, once again, to tell my inner critic to go away.  Not everyone will be interested in my journey as a professional weaver/designer/teacher/author.  But maybe my journey will help them to understand that they are not alone.  And do what they need to achieve their dreams, their goals.

*nearing completion.  Launch date deadline is Feb. 14.  Stay tuned.