Inching Along

 

I have managed to get to the loom and pick away at the current warp.  Today I will finish weaving towel #6 on the warp, cut off, re-tie and begin the 2nd third.  It feels painfully slow, but...on I go.

Because it doesn't seem to matter if I weave or not, the pain I live with daily goes on (and on and on...)

Right now I am doing the difficult work of changing - from within.  If I can.

It is never easy to pause and reflect on oneself.  Things that have been repressed for a lifetime don't want to easily change.  We set up barriers, protection, and it feels dangerous to take those away.

But I have learned that it is even more painful to NOT do the work and attempt to change what needs to be changed, as difficult as it feels in the moment.

It isn't like I've never done that before.  I sought help in my 30s and did the work to heal as best I could.  I got to the point where the immediate issue was addressed, but a half a lifetime later, I realized that I stopped too soon, and just set up different barriers.  Different coping mechanisms.

And my body absorbed it all, protected itself the best it could, and now it is tired.  Worn out.  And *I* am exhausted.  

Of course current events don't help.

The only thing I can do is try to heal myself.  Whatever that means.  I will keep trying, keep working on myself.  

I don't yet know if the treatment for the peripheral neuropathy is 'working'.  All I can say is that the pain appears to be changing.  For the better - or worse - I don't yet know.  But it is a hopeful sign.  

Doug got the rest of the studio re-organization done - at least enough that the table for the table loom is now available, and for my light duties after the infusion on Wednesday, I can weave on that loom.  I'm looking forward to doing that, and then getting the article written.  Hopefully they will be pleased enough with what I do.  

I'm tempted to toss the 6 towels into the washer and dryer, even though they will make a very small load, because I'm interested to see how they transform in the wet finishing.  Also something I could do as 'light duties'.  I may succumb to the curiosity...

I also have a couple of visits from local folk to look forward to.  So I am trying really hard to stay focused on the future, keep encouraging new(er) weavers, and continue the work on myself.  These are things I can control.  I cannot fix the world, but maybe I can make my little corner of it feel a little bit better.