Keeping On, Keeping On

 

I'm in the 'slog' part of weaving.  OTOH, since I *enjoy* the weaving part, it's not actually a 'hardship' for me.  It becomes a working meditation, a dopamine dump, an endorphin rush.  

Mostly what I'm doing right now is preparing for the next treatment (Wednesday, if anyone cares to send positive energy my way), and trying to not get my hopes up for what will happen during the treatment.

I have started counselling.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook, without going overboard and expecting a magic miracle.

We seem to have zeroed in on the major issue for one of my problems, the one actually causing me the most grief at the minute, and begun treatment to encourage healing.  In the meantime, I still have pain, and I'm hoping to get some relief from that while the healing takes place.

There isn't a lot of energy for me to do like I used to do - plough through.  

One of my counsellors recommended a book called When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate.  I have been picking my way through that, trying to engage with my body so that we can work together - to both our comfort level(s).  

I have been working on being 'kind' - as kind to myself as I tend to be towards others.  I'm recognizing my trauma and the anxiety that my trauma sparked, and which was reinforced (because reasons) for my entire life.  I have been the poster child for the meme 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

Weaving is helping me keep 'sane' and rooted in my reality.  It reminds me of the purpose I chose in this life.  I wanted to production weave for 25 years, then teach for 25 years.  Instead I did both at the same time.  Well, that 50 years is now 'up' and I need to really - and carefully - examine my life and how I want to spend what is left of it.

Again and again, I want to help others.  Answer questions - not just for my own edification, but to share with others.  It seems I have come through the brain bleed with my brains more or less 'intact' and a good friend who keeps me pointed in the right direction word wise.  I still make 'mistakes' and sometimes I will correct them, and sometimes I don't bother.  Just like with weaving.  I've gotten a lot less demanding that I only show 'perfect' work.  Because frankly, my mistake can be subtle enough that no one but me (or someone very experienced like me) can tell they are there.  But they will still do their job (dish towel, scarf, whatever) even if they have a flaw - just like humans can.

Doug has continued to work on the studio re-organization.  He'll deliver about 150 pounds of rayon chenille* to the guild for the stash sale, another friend will get about 30 or 40 pounds more.  I've given a small box of a very fine wool (both in grist and feel) to a friend and will include some fine wool for a guild member to 'buy' at the stash sale.  

I'm nearly 1/3 done the current warp, and once this warp comes off the loom, I will begin working on the silk cashmere.

So I continue to make plans, but leave myself the space (and grace) to change my goals if my body says 'no'.  I'm trying really hard to listen to her now.

*and yes, bagging up that much yarn was a real wrench - I know how much I paid for it and to just give it away was really really hard.  But the guild will benefit (I hope) and once it is out of here, I will be able to cut any leftover emotional ties about the yarn and move on...