It is winter. We have been getting a fine 'mist' of fresh snow. But that isn't exactly a 'pretty' picture at the minute, so I bring you a memory from my picture folder - the white roses that used to brighten my day every day on my walk through the neighbourhood. Sadly gone now, but I still have the picture - a touchstone of a happier time.
The latter part of 2025 and the opening weeks of 2026 have been tumultuous, if I could use that word. Not just for me, but everyone I know.
When you feel your life veering off the rails, it is sometimes difficult to wrestle your train back into working order. I'm not exactly sure how I found the strength/spoons to manage it, but it seems that I have managed to shift things enough that I am on a new path.
Where it will lead, I am not certain. All I know is that the path I had been on wasn't pleasant and something needed to change. Since the only thing I can actually change is *me*, whelp, as they say, I needed help to begin examining my life and work out a new way, hopefully a better way, to use to move through what is left of my life.
As I discussed with the therapist this morning, I have lived with trauma since my birth (literally) and after 75 years of living with that trauma hanging over me, coping with it, denying it, and realizing that it isn't helpful OR healthy, I must first of all recognize that the trauma isn't going to go away in a day or two. After taking the neuroplasticity class last autumn, I also understand that old habits are really bloody hard to break. Not only that, they don't actually 'break', but must be worn away and a new path constructed. All of which is going to take time.
During the end of 2025, I also discovered that there is a good chance that I have health issues because of my genetics, mainly that I am one of those people who have difficulty absorbing and then *utilizing* the B vitamins. I am now taking a form of B vitamin that will allow my body to metabolize and actually use them to help me function, and actually heal damage caused by the lack of bio-available B vitamins.
I have come to a much greater - and deeper - understanding of how the body works, how the mind and body work together, interact on each other, and affect each other.
So I am now addressing the chronic pain, treating the cause of at least one of the triggers, managing the other two as best I can, AND after a lifetime of reflecting on my life, accepting the birth trauma that I experienced and which has been the underlying reality of how I have lived my life - because of, as well as, in spite of that foundation.
I am 75+ years old. But guess what? Our brains are not 'static'. They are 'plastic'. We can, with intent and effort, re-program them. Help the trauma to heal. Or at least not have it been a hidden affect that is silently guiding my emotions and my actions.
Since I am not, in any way, shape or manner a person with patience, one of the biggest challenges is to not criticize myself because the healing and changes are not happening as quickly as I would like. That's probably the first 'lesson'.
But after an autumn and early winter of dreading each day, I am beginning to 'right' myself.
I *can* still weave (carefully). I *can* still write (with the help of friends and colleagues). And every day I can learn something. It might be about weaving. But most lessons from weaving, I have found, can also be applied to living. Which may be why so many 'fairy tales' have textiles in them - threads, spinning, weaving, knotting, etc.
As it happens I also found a few more books that seem advisable to read. I have a copy of Louise Penny's latest book, which I will read 'first', and then I am going to make a greater effort to read more non-fiction. They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Given how many books I have 'discovered' recently, I am getting the distinct message that my journey of learning is not over.
Had a visit with a friend who is also dealing with a brain injury and we were able to discuss the process and how that can look from the inside. They also bemoaned the difficulty they were having with reading, so I was able to realize that this is a result of the brain injury and that, with time and patience (there's that word again) I could get better at focusing and understanding complex written information. And realize that the same was true at my efforts to *create* complex written work. And gradually the concepts connect and understanding increases.
Will I ever be able to teach in person again? I don't know. But I'm going to stop saying that those days are 'over'. Just say that I can't right now. Advice from my therapist this morning.
Helping me understand that I need to use compassionate language *when I speak to myself* and give myself the grace I try to give to others.
I wasn't sure if I would feel able to do much this afternoon. But looking at my current 'job' list, I think my body would be ok with weaving for 30 minutes. I am also trying to rebuild muscle strength in my thighs. And if nothing else the trip down and up the stairs, will be a bit of 'strength' building. And every step is a step forward.
To everyone struggling today, I send peace and love.
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