Saturday, June 3, 2023

Acceptance - it's a process


obligatory pretty picture...

Yesterday I went to my massage therapist after a hiatus, knowing that during the time away from therapy things had changed again in my body - and not always in a 'good' way.

At the end he told me to sit up, then when I felt steady, to walk back and forth so he could see my gait.

Normally (as in, if I were 10 years younger and less damaged) I would have simply sat up from my prone position but as I clenched my abs to do that I realized it wasn't going to happen that day.  Like most days, these days.  My body simply...refused.

I sighed, apologized and said that it was going to take me a minute while I log rolled (rolled over onto my side, then pushed my torso up until I was sitting).

Right away he hastened to assure me that with my disc problem I should NOT be doing a sit up and then proceeded to show me how just sitting up was causing all sorts of tension issues putting pressure on that damaged disc.  I mentioned I can rarely squat and stand up anymore either and again, he hastened to assure me that I should not be doing *that* anymore, either, again due to the pressures on the spine as you stand from a squat.  Instead he showed me how to use my upper body to lift myself up instead of, well, doing what I'd been doing for 60 plus years.

A further indication of a body rode hard, put away wet, far too many times.

As another layer of the onion of understanding was pulled off, I realized again that the act of acceptance is not a 'one and done' deal.  It is a constant process of becoming aware of how a small(ish) injury reverberates throughout the body.  An injury that will not, can not heal, can only be accommodated and that I need to *accept* that I cannot any longer - or should not - even attempt some things.  To be more gentle with myself.

The past two days were busy with meetings and such so I didn't get to the loom.  Thursday the pain was low and I wondered if weaving was causing more issues than I was thinking.  But I didn't weave yesterday either, and last night I had to take a pill after dinner as the pain ramped up.  And up.

So all I can do is assume that the weaving isn't actually much of a factor in the level of pain I deal with and so today I will go to the loom and weave two towels.  I think there are maybe 4 or 5 left on this warp and I had hoped to get it off by Monday, but maybe Tuesday?  Because I also have edits to do over the weekend.  I'm getting antsy about getting the ms done so I can clear that project off my desk  When too many projects are 'mid-way' I get anxious so it is time to finalize some things.  Give myself some breathing room.  A bit of peace.  Because I have to work on acceptance right now.  It's a process and will take some time.

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