Yesterday I went to my massage therapist after a hiatus, knowing that during the time away from therapy things had changed again in my body - and not always in a 'good' way.
At the end he told me to sit up, then when I felt steady, to walk back and forth so he could see my gait.
Normally (as in, if I were 10 years younger and less damaged) I would have simply sat up from my prone position but as I clenched my abs to do that I realized it wasn't going to happen that day. Like most days, these days. My body simply...refused.
I sighed, apologized and said that it was going to take me a minute while I log rolled (rolled over onto my side, then pushed my torso up until I was sitting).
Right away he hastened to assure me that with my disc problem I should NOT be doing a sit up and then proceeded to show me how just sitting up was causing all sorts of tension issues putting pressure on that damaged disc. I mentioned I can rarely squat and stand up anymore either and again, he hastened to assure me that I should not be doing *that* anymore, either, again due to the pressures on the spine as you stand from a squat. Instead he showed me how to use my upper body to lift myself up instead of, well, doing what I'd been doing for 60 plus years.
A further indication of a body rode hard, put away wet, far too many times.
As another layer of the onion of understanding was pulled off, I realized again that the act of acceptance is not a 'one and done' deal. It is a constant process of becoming aware of how a small(ish) injury reverberates throughout the body. An injury that will not, can not heal, can only be accommodated and that I need to *accept* that I cannot any longer - or should not - even attempt some things. To be more gentle with myself.
The past two days were busy with meetings and such so I didn't get to the loom. Thursday the pain was low and I wondered if weaving was causing more issues than I was thinking. But I didn't weave yesterday either, and last night I had to take a pill after dinner as the pain ramped up. And up.
So all I can do is assume that the weaving isn't actually much of a factor in the level of pain I deal with and so today I will go to the loom and weave two towels. I think there are maybe 4 or 5 left on this warp and I had hoped to get it off by Monday, but maybe Tuesday? Because I also have edits to do over the weekend. I'm getting antsy about getting the ms done so I can clear that project off my desk When too many projects are 'mid-way' I get anxious so it is time to finalize some things. Give myself some breathing room. A bit of peace. Because I have to work on acceptance right now. It's a process and will take some time.