Lurching

 

Someone posted a meme on Facebook about 'baby steps' being tentative when they are anything but.  The poster equated a baby learning how to walk as a 'lurch into the unknown'.

And I thought about my life and how many times I 'lurched' into the unknown.

I think it began with reading.  I was reading by age 4.  Loved to read.  Couldn't get enough of reading.  And each book showed me a new world.  A new life.  A new way of looking at my world - and beyond.

At age 12 I'd read pretty much everything in the children's section of the public library and tentatively asked if I could take books from the 'adult' section.  

"Why?" the librarian asked.  I explained I'd read everything in the children's section.  I suppose I looked so woebegone she took pity on me.  As I entered the stacks, I didn't know where to start.  Therefore it seemed appropriate to begin with the authors with A as the first letter of their surname.  And quickly discovered Isaac Asimov.  After that I became a huge fan of science fiction, and eventually fantasy.

My next big lurch I suppose was making plans to visit Sweden in 1969 in order to meet my pen friend.  I scrimped and saved every penny for almost a year, then boarded the train (to Montreal) and then a freighter that took a small number of passengers to sail to Oslo, Norway.  In May.  Across the Atlantic.

We stopped and jigged for cod off the coast of Newfoundland (I caught 3 - what can say, cod are pretty stupid), saw grey(?) whales on their migration north, managed the rough seas of a storm, and sailed up the fjord to disembark.

From there many adventures were experienced.

And then I finally paid attention to all the messages coming from...who knows where...to consider weaving.  

That was, most likely, the biggest, bravest (or stupidest, depending on your viewpoint) lurch I have made in my life.

Now I lurch, but only physically.  Dealing with a body rode hard, put away wet, far too many times.  The times I wove myself into exhaustion trying to meet deadlines.  The multitude of dark o'clock fights.  Battling food allergy reactions, pretending to be well, hiding my ailing body.  

There were many times I felt I'd let my students down and felt guilty.  All I could do was my best, and I always did that.  My best.

Recently a friend observed that I do more on a 'bad' day than most people do on a good one.  Well, maybe a few years ago that might be true.  Now?  Not so much.

But I always felt like I was...not enough.  My house is always a mess.  I haven't had the energy to actually clean it for, like, ever.  I turn a blind eye to the dust and clutter, and save whatever energy I have for weaving.

When my brother died I had to figure out why I was still here, and he wasn't.  That was the year that so many things finally made sense.  I'd been, almost literally, working myself into the grave.  It was the year that both Doug and I discovered our 'hidden' cardiac issues, and timely intervention was provided.  And here we are.  Older.  Maybe wiser (although that might be moot).

It's been a very long 16 years since Don died.  Honestly, it was, in many ways, a downward spiral, one I documented in my memoir, recently published, available here if anyone is interested.

And now I try to navigate a body that demands to rest.  To be 'coddled'.  Weaving is physical - at least the way I do it.  I have to ration my time at the loom so that my body doesn't go into complete shut down.

After months of searching for an answer, a treatment, something to let me continue to weave, it seems I may have finally found a treatment that will provide some level of, if not healing, coping.  

In the meantime, I have found a little more energy to do things I promised I would do - like get one of the guild's donation looms operating again.  I discovered, much to my chagrin, that I can no longer wind a 9 meter long, 15" wide, 20 epi warp in one session.  Halfway through I had to stop and rest.  Today I feel able to finish it, so I'm going to do that.  And then tomorrow, a guild member will help me beam it.  If I feel able, I will also thread it.  I was hoping to have it ready to weave on in time for the guild business meeting next week, but I may not make that goal.

In the meantime, I did manage to weave half a tea towel yesterday after fixing the threading error, and editing the treadling to better suit what I want to have happen.

Today the sun is shining and the temps are rising.  It would seem spring is set to arrive 'early' (for us).

Time to lurch into the studio and get myself in gear.