Decisions, Decisions

 

The state of my stash has been weighing on me - heavily.  These are just two shelves of my current stash.  To be fair, I have gotten rid of or woven a large part of my previous stash, but still...pounds and pounds and pounds of stuff.  

It is beginning to feel less of inspiration and more burden.

Since I fell and damaged my back, it has been a slow - but steady - deterioration.  Now I am left with one option to try and if that doesn't work...the options are not great.  This body is such a spechul snowflake and been rode hard, put away wet far too many times.  I really ought not complain because it has worked for me, and generally worked 'well', through thick and thin.

But as I contemplate the future, I really, truly, wonder how much more (whatever) I have left in me.

I take comfort from the fact that some people still want to know what I know (or think I know) and somehow I feel that I can't 'go' yet because there is something 'else' that I need to be doing.  (Of course I have zero idea what that might be, so I just keep on keeping on...)

Friday Doug took the latest box to the courier to ship to WEFT.  I'm on tenterhooks now with all cross-ables crossed until it arrives.  But overall, even though I didn't get 'perfect' results I learned a tonne, confirmed some of what I thought, and had a good dig around.  I won't say I'm 'proud' of what I managed, but I did it.  And that's not nothing...

The first anniversary of my brain injury is coming up.  In many way it feels as though it is the first birthday of my 9th life.  I survived what was considered a rather serious brain bleed, in my speech centre.  And not only am I still weaving, I'm still writing (maybe not well, but I *am* writing.)

I've had time to think about the zoom interview I did this month for HGA and I have made the decision that I will not be doing zoom presentations to teach.  Last week I took the hour to sit down and view the interview, from an interior point of view (how was I feeling when I said that?  What words were I searching for when I paused and my eyes were darting back and forth in search of the word I knew I knew but could not call to my mouth).  The last 10 minutes of the interview I hesitated to say much at all because I could feel my speech shutting down as my brain became overwhelmed and the words began drying up even further.  And that was a 'casual' interview, a conversation, not a teacher trying to keep a coherent thought in her head, to make sense for students to learn from.

My webmaster is in the final months of obtaining her degree and suddenly things have gotten very crunchy for her.  But in the new year I will be asking if she can do a quick edit to my website and remove all mentions of zoom presentations.

I can no longer 'perform' to my standards.  I either change my standards, or I stop doing it.  

The decision was made 'easier' insofar as a new weaver has offered to teach beginners in person, locally.  I am happy to act as a resource person for her.  At this point it is less about me, personally, teaching, but supporting those who can and are willing.

And conserving whatever energy and brain power I have left to put into my writing.  My alpha reader says she is willing to keep on being my first filter, which is incredibly generous of her and I'd give her more towels but over the years she has acquired more than enough of my towels.  :D  

A local textile person may come over this afternoon to check if I have some fine yarns she can use.  OTOH, my stash might be actually 'too fine' for her to use.  But we won't know until she looks.  I had intended to use some of those fine yarns to ply my handspun, but the arthritis in my hands is making me think I really should not be spinning anymore, either.  :(  But I will wait to see if the next med tweak is more helpful than where I am at now.

Tuesday I get the next jab in my lower back to help (we hope) lower the pain in my lower back, and I will discuss the adjustment to my pain medication and when we might tweak that.  I'm hoping to be functioning 'better' by the end of this month and hopefully start year 2 of my 9th life feeling 'better' than I have been.

Time will tell...