Recovery

 

Recovery is a slippery concept.  To most people 'recovery' means returning to where you were before the event happened that changed your world - your life.

For some of us, 'recovery' means something a bit different.

One of the things I've done over the past few months is to get to know some people who are also dealing with 'recovery'.  

One of the things that happens when your life gets turned on its head is that your life shrinks.  In some cases, quite drastically.  As you pick up the pieces of your broken life, you sometimes need to put some of the broken pieces into the garbage/recycle bin.  Sometimes you can modify the pieces and make them work for you again.  Sometimes you have to find completely new things to do.  

The journey is personal, but there are commonalities.  Getting to know others also dealing with such logistics is essential, I find.  It helps with perspective and trying to develop workarounds.

Over the past week I have been delivering 'gifts' to my healthcare team and some friends who helped me get through the past 12 months.

It was a step on the road to 'recovery' for me.  It helps me to take stock of where I am, what I can do - and I cannot.  Only then can I find alternative ways to keep growing.  Keep living.  Showing gratitude to those who helped was one way I could process the past 12 months.

What is becoming abundantly clear is that my physical body is...no longer healthy in the way I had relied on.  But!  I can still do some things.  I am still figuring out what those things are.

Yesterday I talked with someone dealing with chronic issues and we talked about the 'spoon theory'.  They observed that they never really understood it.  For one thing, they had no way of judging how many spoons they had - until they ran out.  

In a way they were living with a limited amount of energy to do stuff, and constantly running out.  The trick is to become aware that one has only a limited amount of energy (spoons) and then use them carefully.  Judicially.  Otherwise, they understand the effect of limited energy and more desire to do stuff than they could manage due to the lack of energy.  

For people who have lived productive, busy lives, to be suddenly confronted with a decided lack of energy that runs out before the day ends, it is a constant struggle.  You remember what you used to be able to do in a day.  And you keep making job lists that reflect what you remember.  And forget that you are no longer that person.

You are still *you* - just you now have an energy deficit that cannot be worked around (in many cases).  And you wind up crashing.  Again.  Once again you are yanked up and tossed out of your life.  Your 'old' life.

It's exhausting, in and of itself.  You may have other symptoms, too.  In my case, chronic pain that never seems to stop.  Since the procedure 10 days ago, it is marginally better, and it may continue to improve as the doctor continues to increase the dose (if he does) and the drug begins to co-operate with my body to help suppress the pain.

But only time will tell.  (Dammit)

In the meantime, I am left kicking the tires of my life (so to speak) wondering when I can take control of what is happening - and not knowing if that day will ever come.

On the other hand, it was a breath of fresh air (not so 'fresh' given we have been having wildfire smoke pall 24/7) to talk to someone else who is walking a similar path.  It felt less...lonely.  My friends let me vent, but others walking the path understand it because it is also *their* path.  We can hold hands, or give hugs, or just share swear words about it all.

To others who are navigating the swamps and mud and mire on their life's journey - I send love and light and hope that you are able to find some comfort in your days.