Reflective Mood

 

Feeling in a reflective mood this morning as I scrolled through Twitter deleting my tweets.  I clicked through to read some of the blog posts from last year I had shared to my Twitter timeline.  It was interesting to me that I was spending a fair amount of brain power trying to work out the way forward, musing about writing, teaching.

And contrasting that to where my thinking is now, after starting to read the Igoe book on thinking about designing textiles.  Thinking about how my approach to teaching has also changed.  Thinking about how I have apparently 'found' my way forward on more writing.

The inner critic in me is trying to put me off the writing.  They are asking those negative questions - like who wants to know what I think?  Why am I 'wasting' my time spending all that brain power and effort trying to write it all down?  Who am I to then *charge* for those 'scribblings'?  

Mostly I can tune them out, but on a 'bad' day I have fewer resources to resist that kind of negativity running like a thread (heh - see what I did there?) in the back of my brain.

But then I teach, as in sit down with people who ARE interested in knowing what I know.  They ask good questions.  Think about the answers, have an ah-ha moment.  All while I wait as they mentally fumble through new concepts, and then the penny drops and the light goes on in their eyes and they smile and I know, I just know, they have begun to understand.

And I remember, all over again, why I want to teach.

Last night I came to a decision on one project languishing on my desk and will make the changes and then hit send in the morning (after letting it sit overnight to catch typos).

And then?

Then the essays.  I have chosen a working title, decided on who my target audience is, and come to some decisions on content.  I have a bare bones 'outline' - or perhaps I should say a structure to hang my thoughts on.  I have the rough draft of a couple of essays and an introduction that needs to be completely re-written now that I've managed to kick that inner critic - if not out of my head, at least to the far reaches where their voice is quieter.

Because as I read through my older blog posts, I read the comments from readers who gave me *positive* feedback.  And right now?  I have to trust *those* voices, not that inner critic flinging negativity at me.

It has stopped snowing or raining today, the sun is valiantly trying to burn through the upper haze, and we have heat.  I'm going to go get dressed and weave a towel.  Because I want to at least get one towel woven this morning before I head to the guild room and hem.  And answer questions if my students have any.