Out of Focus

 

I confess to being rather...out of 'focus'...these days.  

For the past few years I've been struggling to keep going in spite of physical challenges that sapped me of energy and even the desire to do much of anything.

Part of me has done what it has always done - cracked the whip and tried to get me up and moving.  But there comes a time when the body simply cannot respond the way it has always done, and the minutes slip by until the day is gone.  And nothing to show for it except feeling out of sorts and upset that a day was 'wasted'.  Again.

Now that I'm feeling 'better' (for certain values of), I find that I *still* have little energy.  The part of me that wants to get up and do things can't seem to crack that whip hard enough to keep me going.

It is also that part of me that takes on new 'jobs' and then wonders why my body still refuses to get up and get moving.  I mean, it's always worked before, so why not now?

Truth to tell, I'm now in my 70s not my 30s.  I have gone to the well of determination too many times and frankly?  The well is about empty.  I peer down, down, down, deep into the depths, looking for the pool of energy I used to be able to tap and find...little to nothing.

I commented to my massage therapist the other day that I'm old and broken, and he laughed 'no, you're not' he said.

But inside me, I knew that I was right.  I am old.  I am 'broken'.  And I don't know if there is enough left in me to heal the 'broken' and overcome the 'old'.

I accept that I am now an 'elder' in the weaving community.  I accept that I have done my best to help others in their quest for knowledge, and that I am leaving enough students behind to continue with the transfer of knowledge to new generations.

And if that sounds egotistical, what can I say - yes, I have an ego, just like everyone else.

The guild book auction will begin next week and that is going to take up most of my energy 'spoons' for the following 10 days.  But I also have articles to write that I've promised I would, so I'm not sure how much actual weaving I will be able to do.  OTOH, the warp is weaving, so hopefully I can get to the loom at least once a day, preferably two.

I'm used to planning things 6-12 months down the road.  Right now?  6-12 days is about all I can handle.  

We are well into spring now.  This is a time of transition.  Politically things are very unsettled, and that is adding to my sense of unrest and uncertainty.  

Ultimately I cannot change the politics of the day, but I can keep teaching.  So I am going to open Word and see if the opening sentence I thought of last night is the key to the first article.  

Because I've promised to write.  The fact that I can keep teaching via the written word is a carrot that will keep me going - until I find my focus again.  Because usually when I'm feeling like this another Big Project is about to present itself.  We'll see what is in store, and if the gradual progress I have been making physically will be sufficient to tackle whatever is in the wings.

I also have an eye exam booked for May.  Maybe getting my eyes in focus will bring my life into focus, too?