Lists

 

I forget when I last got rid of my empty tubes - August, maybe?  These have been emptied since.

Now obviously they were not full to begin with!  Some were very close to empty.  But the thing was, the emptier they got, they less they were able to stand up and had to be stored laying down.  And that takes up a lot more space than if they were standing.

For a long while, then, it felt like I wasn't making a lot of progress when in fact, I was making good progress.

And this is why I tend to make a daily list of what I want to accomplish.  Having a goal, made concrete by making a list (whether it is physical or just a mental one) reminds me of what I want to get done that day.

What I have learned over the years is to keep such lists small.  Make lists of less than what I might be able to do - and then when I accomplish more, it feels like a triumph!

If I make a list with 'too many' things on it and don't manage to get them all done, then I feel like I somehow 'failed'.  If I 'fail' too many days in a row, I start to beat myself up.  And that can begin a spiral into a very dark place.

As my physical health has fluctuated over the years, it has been a struggle to learn what I can actually do vs how much I *think* I should be doing.  It's a delicate balance at times.  I remember my 30s and how much I could do in a day.  I also have to remind myself that I am well beyond my 30s.  And that I am 'retired' (for certain values of).

This morning I thought about a cartoon that I read quite a while ago.  Lynn Johnston did the strip For Better Or For Worse.  Her character Elly decided that she wanted to go back to work for her own satisfaction.  After being a stay at home mom, she was feeling like she wanted to expand her horizons.

But Elly was struggling with doing All The Things at home when she was working and not AT home to do All The Things.  At one point her husband asked her why she thought she should be able to keep their home the same way when she was working out of the home and she said that she expected to be able to do it but she need everyone to pitch in or it couldn't get done.  They discussed the situation and finally he pointed out that no one else in the family expected the house to be kept to the same level of 'done' and in the end suggested that perhaps it was her that needed to adjust her expectations.

I think about that strip at times.  I see my friends expecting themselves to do more, be more, achieve more.  I see the same dynamic in my own self.  But I also see that my expectations are my expectations and if I am to manage my life in a way that is less stressful and more peaceful, perhaps it's me that needs to change my expectations.

So I am coming to a point in my life where I get up each day, write my little list of things I would like to do, but remain open and willing to adjust in the face of Life Happening.

And remind myself that I have accomplished things.  Bags of empty tubes are a testament to the fact that I have worked towards my goal of using up my stash.

I'm nearly done the blue/grey warp.  Over the weekend I did more social things than I have done for a while and didn't weave as much as my daily plan outlines.  But all that did was delay completion of the warp by a couple of days.  

The warp will come off tomorrow and the red/orange will then go into the loom.  And I expect that weaving that warp will empty another dozen or so tubes.  When I am done weaving the red/orange, I will re-arrange the 2/16 yarn on my shelves, which will provide space to put the 2/16 bamboo on the shelves where I can see it and that will make using up that yarn easier for me.  It will be out in plain sight, not packed away in boxes/bags.

My intention is to keep using up what I have.  The creative limitation of using what is on hand, not getting distracted by buying more yarn, will provide a challenge to make things that I like, out of what I have.  And continue to encourage myself to keep going by not having expectations beyond what I can manage.

If that is a resolution for the new year, I think I can handle that.